Baylor University vs. Playboy!
Topic: Texas News

The first time we ever set foot on the Baylor University campus in Waco, Texas, we saw a bear chilling in a big cage. The second time was about eight hours later and we were hammered, making out with some sorority girl one of our friends introduced us too.

Playboy, apparently, was watching. As they prepare their magazine for the upcoming "Girls of the Big 12" issue, they of course went to the private school's campus in Waco with the intentions of getting some supposedly "innocent" Baptist girls to drop trough for the mag.

Now, not all the church-going girls in Texas are innocent. In fact, the majority are Black Widow spiders. But the Baylor president apparently has differing opinions about what people should allow their women-folk to do.

"Playboy is clearly antithetical to Baylor's mission and associating with the magazine would be a violation of the code of conduct."

Of course, this wouldn't be the first time a girl has gotten in trouble by her school for appearing in Playboy. We guarantee that you'll see some chicks from Baylor in the photo spread. Or course, we also guarantee you that they'll be somewhere else after all this is through. Baylor sucks. Go to Texas A&M.;


REUTERS via YAHOO! NEWS

Rolling Blackouts Turn Texas Into California! Enron? Is That You?
Topic: Texas News

The first indication of trouble a-brewing at Enron was the rolling blackouts in California, instituted by a company so desperate for money that they shut down the power grids to drive up prices so they could pay off debt. Is this what is happening in Texas?

Beginning this past Saturday night, rolling blackouts have struck Texas, including Dallas for a period of four hours, which pretty much forced us to sit in the dark and drink beer. Not that's what we weren't going to be doing anyway, but this way we didn't even have a choice of doing something else.

Yesterday the blackouts were instituted again, and today they're back, shutting down grids from Houston to Dallas. But this is, at least according to the power companies, not a lame attempt to drive up energy costs. They claim the reason is due to the sudden surprise heat wave and the plants not being up to capacity after being down for maintenance all winter.

Sounds reasonable... wait a second. That's just what Enron said! We knew it! We would see nothing more enjoyable than TXU going down hard. They're scam artists. Do you hear that state government? TXU is trying to drive up energy costs. Sic 'em!


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Our Thoughts on the Dallas Protests: A Heart of Darko Opinion Column
Topic: Texas News

Yesterday, Dallas saw over 500,000 Hispanic protesters march for something that has already been shut down, thus meaning that they were marching for nothing. The bill they were up in arms about was supposed to block them from having the chance to be come citizens, and could even have the chance to go as far as deporting them.

We live on the outskirts of downtown Dallas and watched from our balcony as Hispanic families from the neighboring community walked past our apartment for hours on end, headed the three short blocks to downtown. When we left the house in the early afternoon to head to PetCo to pick up some wormer for the cats (don't ask - ed.), we noticed the thousands of cars crammed on Interstate 35 and parked in the grass along Interstate 75 with even more people streaming towards the heart of the city. However, because of the peaceful nature of this protest, there were no delays or issues when we returned to our home and had to wait for a massive group of marchers to cross the street. Very well organized, overall, with everyone looking smart and unified in their white t-shirts and jeans carrying their American flags.

However, it was in vein. The bill that was supposed to hamper their rights is gone. Now they're boycotting the area to prove their economic impact. While we may not be business owners, we doubt it will have much of an effect. So far, according to the Dallas Morning News, the only businesses that have been hurt by the boycott have been Hispanic businesses. There is no need to hurt your own people that you claim you are trying to help. Every pastry that is not sold by Graciela's bakery (great sweet breads, by the way) doesn't hurt me as a white person. It hurts Jose Cervantes, who has been up since 4:00 a.m. baking.

So we're very sorry that you feel slighted and hated against. Yes, you have economic use and are some of the hardest working people living in Texas. But guess what? You're not hurting me economically or emotionally. We don't want to see anybody starve, but as a single white guy living in Texas, my only worry is for me, selfish as that may sound. Sorry, but it's the truth.

Miss Deaf Teen Texas Killed by Irony, Train
Topic: Texas News

Miss Deaf Teen Texas Tara McAvoy was struck down by a speeding Union Pacific train in Austin on Monday afternoon. Witnesses said that the conductor was frantically blowing the train's whistle while bystanders tried to get McAvoy's attention before she stepped in front of the locomotive.

McAvoy has been deaf since birth and had recently begun to attend college at Gallaudet University in Washington, D.C. Pageant officials said that she had held the position "with dignity and pride" all the way up to her totally ironic death. To put it in perspective, it would be like us dying by sunburn cause we're so white.


MSNBC

Texas Gov. Perry Admits they F-ed Up Hurricane Rita Evacuation
Topic: Texas News

Hot on the heels of the Hurricane Katrina findings, Texas Governor Rick Perry has decided that he'll release how badly they screwed up the evacuation of Houston so that it would be overshadowed by the Katrina findings. Or at least that's the reason that we think he did so.

As you may recall, 63 people died of heat exhaustion, heart attacks and being blown up on a bus on their way to more centrally located and northern cities. Our own brother sat on the highway for some 20+ hours just to get up to Dallas and away from the then-projected category 5 hurricane.

"The process could have been smoother," Gov. Perry said. "This report will improve planning and coordination, which will result in more effective hurricane response when lives hang in the balance and every second counts."

Every second? Bitch, there wasn't enough gas for people to get to safety. You're worried about seconds when we ran out of gas for millions of people?

Help us vote this asshole out of office. Kinky Friedman in 2006!


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

KINKY FRIEDMAN

Texas Becomes Hell on Earth; We Hide in a Glass and Concrete Building
Topic: Texas News

Texas is drier than a ninety year old woman, and now that the winds have picked up across the northern region of the state, it appears that the devil has decided to build a summer home here, as fires are continuing to rage across the region. So far, one person has died and hundreds of homes (both stationary and the motor variety, we might add - ed.) have been destroyed in the blazes.

"It’s dry as a bone, and brittle,” said Oklahoma City Fire Department spokesman Brian Stanaland. “The fire is traveling extremely rapidly."

So stay out of North and Central Texas and Southern Oklahoma. Not that you'd really have a reason to come up here anyway. But we're still confused, because even though it's dry and pretty windy this morning, we still found a patch of mud last night outside of the bar that went about up to mid-thigh. Try talking to women when you're covered in Earth dookie and you will know our pain.


MSNBC

Texas Town Adopts Satellite TV Provider's Name For 10 Years of Free Cable and 100 Years of Regret!
Topic: Texas News

The town of Clark, Texas, has decided that their dignity has a price. That price? A decade of free Dish Network satellite TV. All 55 homes will receive 10 years of uninterrupted service for allowing their small town to join the ranks of other tiny hamlets across the nation that have changed their names for corporate sponsorship, such as;

Truth or Consequences, New Mexico

Half.com, Oregon.

and possibly Secretsanta.com, Idaho

The 125 residents are receiving a television package worth approximately $4,500 per home. What did the mayor have to say of this "important" turning point in the town's history?

"We really look at this as kind of a rebirth for our community," Mayor Bill Merritt said. "We want everybody to come here."

But not all is well in corporate paradise. L.E. Clark, the founder of the town and former mayor, was not pleased with the name change.

"I don't especially like it. I worked my butt off a little over a year getting it incorporated."

So now we have personal greed versus corporate greed, and we all know that in one of these situations, the big loser is America.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Second DeLay Judge Kicked Off Bench; This is Gonna be Bigger Than O.J.
Topic: Texas News

After having his first judge removed for reasons we don't care enough to research, the replacement judge in the Tom DeLay money laundering case was ousted from the bench today due to the $5,000+ he gave to Republican politicians. First judge Bob Perkins was removed from the trial for giving the same amount to Democratic politicians.

DeLay worries that he won't get a fair trial, even though Texas is Republican run and pretty much he could crush a kitten with his bare hands and everyone would turn the other way.

The recently removed judge, B.B. Schraub, said he will file for the Texas Supreme Court Chief Justice to decide who shall preside over the case, that way making it as impartial of a trial as possible. We have a suggestion.




AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Man Sprinkles Something You Don't Want to Know About on Pastries
Topic: Texas News

Barf.

Just barf. This is all we can say regarding this. Just goddamn barf.

A 49-year-old Dallas cab driver was caught on video tape sprinkling DRIED HUMAN FECES on pastries at a Fiesta grocery store. The man, who's name we can neither speak nor spell, would dry out human shit in either a microwave or the open air, grate it with a cheese grater, and then sprinkle it on things.

B A R F.


KGBT-TV

Tom DeLay's Attorney Subpoenas Prosecuting Attorney; We Don't Know Why, But Whatever
Topic: Texas News

In an attempt to stop himself from ever having to go to trial, Tom DeLay had his attorney subpoena the lead prosecutor and two prosecuting attorneys about possible misconduct with the grand jury that indicted DeLay late last month. And now the two sides are at odds on whether or not the subpoena was even received.

Serving someone means that they have to physically take the paper in their hand. However, DeLay's attorney, Dick DeGuerin, seems to think someone has to sign for it. While that would be a first for such a document, DeGuerin doesn't care and is pissed, PISSED I TELL YOU, that DA Ronnie Earle didn't sign the paper that came with the subpoena and only accepted the document.

Now, the grand jury foreman has come out on behalf of Earle, making this case even more of a cluster fuck. While he said that he gave interviews after the jury deliberated, he never told any details of the case to the public or Earle, something that was cited in the subpoena.

"That's a bunch of (expletive) there," Gibson said. "That man did not talk to me."

Ah, you've gotta love Texas. He's indicting you? Sue that son of a bitch back! He's trying to play a politics game! This is gonna be a great frigging case.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

DeLay-Watch! Drug Running Charges Being Probed Too, As Are "Whacking A Guy" Charges
Topic: Texas News

Is former GOP majority leader Tom DeLay a member of a secret Texas money-laundering cartel? Or is he perhaps... the ringleader? That's what the grand jury said late yesterday in Travis County, Texas. DeLay was re-indicted on charges of conspiring to commit money laundering and the big one of money laundering. Democrats have been waiting for this moment for months, and especially with Bill Frist on the ropes, it makes for a great beginning to the Devil's Month for the lefties.

“Ronnie Earle has stooped to a new low with his brand of prosecutorial abuse,” DeLay said in a statement. “He is trying to pull the legal equivalent of a ‘do-over’ since he knows very well that the charges he brought against me last week are totally manufactured and illegitimate. This is an abomination of justice.”

Ah yes, Ronnie Earle, the infamous attorney who prosecuted... himself. While we're absolutely sure that DeLay and Co. will bribe and "convince" the right people, the big question is whether or not this will cause irreparable harm to the GOP. We think yes, but we care very little.

The second question is whether or not this is going to affect the confirmation hearings of Bush-proposed SCOTUS Harriet Miers. With the Democrats feeling sated after the indictment of DeLay and investigation of Frist, they might let Miers off relatively easy, despite the fact that she has no judicial experience and has been Bush's personal lawyer for over a decade. Or will they find some nude pictures from her younger days as a clerk in a Dallas law firm? Because this story needs some spice, and that would be hot.


MSNBC

Hurricane Rita Aftermath; One Big Back-Patting Sissy
Topic: Texas News

After a week of speculation from everyone in the media about the imminent threat from Hurricane Rita to south Houston, the powerful storm came into land with force 3 winds and wound up not doing much of a damn thing to Texas. While some buildings were ruined and there was flooding in Port Arthur, it was all a relatively small affair.

While coverage of Rita and back-slapping still takes place on cable news networks, it was Fox News who had the most outlandish coverage. While many other organizations stuck their personnel behind or inside buildings, Shepard Smith rode out the storm clutching a microphone in one hand and a parking pole in the other while looking away from the wind as his facial skin twisted and he lost what must be a record five Fox News hats.

So what it all boiled down to was a lot of spent gas and stranded people, ending with some winds and rain that mostly went back into Louisiana. But not to worry! We're sure there's another hurricane heading into the gulf as we speak, because this one didn't work out for Bush, and since Rove conjures up the hurricanes in his warlock lair, you know they've got another one up their sleeve.

Rita to Cause $50 Billion in Damage to Houston?
Topic: Texas News

It's early to speculate, but new models are showing upwards of $50 billion in damages to the greater Houston area with the landfall of Hurricane Rita. As we speak, one evacuee sleeps in our bed surrounded by our cats and dog, while our brother makes his way north in the retarded traffic out of Houston. Current drive time between Houston and Dallas is over 13 hours.

But back to the devastation. We'll let the actual experts describe it, since we can be kind of glib.

"Unfortunately, we're looking at massive devastation," said Roy Dodson, president of the engineering firm Dodson & Associates.

Oops. Oh yes, and there will be a possible 20 foot wall of water that will pretty much ruin the chemical facilities, sewage treatment plants, and natural water ducts of the city. We hope everyone has left, and for those of you that remain, good luck. We'll try to live blog the hurricane as best as possible from Dallas, but with two extra mid-20s guys in our apartment, who are we kidding. We're gonna be drunk.


HOUSTON CHRONICLE

EMERGENCY! EVACUATE HOUSTON! BUT DON'T COME TO DALLAS!
Topic: Texas News

Sucks to be an evacuee from New Orleans right now. Instead of being able to move back to your homes and try to salvage what is left of your belongings, you're now being moved out of Houston and up to Dallas because of the second Category 4 hurricane in less than a month that is going to beat the living crap out of the gulf coast.

Yes, Rita was upgraded this morning, and with landfall still two days away, there still remains the high probability that it will become a Category 945 by Saturday morning when it comes ashore to wipe out Galveston. Buses are already taking out residents from the coastal town after word from Homeland Security Director Michael Chertoff came down pleading with people to avoid another Katrina. Some TV stations and meteorologists in the area have predicted that the island of Galveston will actually be completely wiped out by a Category 5 hurricane.

So what have we learned? People are idiots. For those that remain in Houston *cough, our brother, cough* get the hell off of our lawn when you ain't got no home on Monday.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Sharpton Driver Arrested in Dallas for Speeding After Visiting Peace Idiot Sheehan!
Topic: Texas News

Now it's really national news, but since it happened in Texas, it stays in Texas. The driver of a Lincoln carrying Rev. Al Sharpton to DFW airport was arrested on Sunday for evading police and going 110 in a 65 on Interstate 35 outside of Waxahachie. While we have gone over 110 mph on that particular stretch of road, we usually put a friend in a car in front of us, so that if anyone gets arrested, it's not us. Sharpton, of course, thinks this is some sort of racial collusion.

"I think this is a little Texas politics," Sharpton told the Daily News yesterday. "None of it happened like that at all. "If there was a 9-mile chase on someone and a wild pursuit, wouldn't every one in the car have been held?"

You'd think as a former criminal, Sharpton would know that you can't exactly arrest someone for being near someone else who is doing something illegal, but that's just semantics. What he should remember, instead of laws that don't exist, is that now Texas is majority minority. If a white cop arrests a Hispanic male, this is no longer racism, according to Sharpton's previous arguments. This is the minority trying to rise up and overcome!

Sharpton was in town to visit no-war wench Cindy Sheehan and add an extra bit of idiot to the area. We don't think he'll be back to Texas soon.


NY DAILY NEWS

Texas Makes the List! Becomes Fourth Majority-Minority State! Now It's Whitey's Turn to Bitch!
Topic: Texas News

Go Texas! We officially became the nation's fourth majority-minority state, joining such other prestigious states as California, New Mexico and Hawaii. Granted, we were at a disadvantage. New Mexico has the name "Mexico" in it, so that one's already in the bag. Hawaii used to be its own Pacific Island country, so there you go, and California is overrun by the damn Japs (Kidding! Kidding, kidding, just kidding! - ed.). So what does this mean for the state of Texas?

It means we suck and supposedly don't offer minorities the same services and privileges that whites receive, even though we just became the fourth majority-minority state, so apparently we did something right. Now whitey is under the gun. We can start bitching about being overlooked by government policies and such, but that's not our style. No, we're going to sit back and arm ourselves while shaking because all minorities scare us... if you believe what Hollywood and New York would like you to believe.

Actually, we're going to do the same thing we always do. We're going to be Texas. And ain't nobody gettin' my Confederate flag off my Subaru! That's a point of pride, boy!


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Fort Worth Chemical Plant Explodes in Fireball! Michael Bay Prime Suspect
Topic: Texas News

A chemical plant in Fort Worth has exploded this afternoon in one fireball after another, stopping traffic on Interstate 35 and ruining our chances of getting to Fort Worth for a wedding rehearsal on time.

An unknown amount of people have been injured, and authorities don't know what started the fire. Our guess is Michael Bay. After The Island tanked, he's probably looking to get back to formula and stop being so "cerebral."

It could be the beginning of an epidemic of rapid-cut explosions across the southwest, ending in an entirely improbably standoff in Hollywood with a five camera set up and three SWAT teams.


WBAP 820

Texas A&M; Leads Cloning World! Woo-hoo Alma Mater!
Topic: Texas News

We are proud that our alma mater, Texas A&M; University, has just been named the unofficial leader in the cloning world, after successfully cloning six species in six years, including a cow, a goat, multiple pigs, a deer, a horse and a cat. The cat, CC, is still doing well and lives with a cloning team member.



You might remember back in the day the sheep Dolly. Yep, thank A&M.; You also may recall that A&M; does in fact kick ass... except for the pig's because there was a 94 percent failure rate in that experiment and most of the fetuses were born without anuses. But either way, A&M; is now under attack from animal rights and anti-cloning groups, which as everybody knows, means you finally made it as a university.

Protesters are calling for the end of the experiments, citing all of the animals still in shelters and that cloning more will just lead to overcrowding. Granted, our pooch Rajah is a shelter dog from A&M; and we see their point, but who can have a problem with cloning beef? World hunger? Shoot, send some Aggie beef to Africa. Angus, baby, ANGUS! (<-------- Swingers reference - ed.)


MY WAY NEWS

What good is the 4th of July if you can't have steak?
Topic: Texas News

We ask this question as officials begin surveying cows in West Texas to find if any more of a herd that turned over one 12 year old cow (talk about aged beef! - ed.) with Mad Cow Disease. The cow was a breeder who had never left the ranch that she was raised on, which means that there could possibly be thousands of infected steaks floating around out there.

While officials state that the infection occurred before 1997, when a ban was placed on beef cows eating food that contained, get ready for it, BEEF. WE WERE MAKING THE COWS EAT THEMSELVES. It's bad enough that they end up on a sesame seed bun with a slice of cheese on top of them and we drink their babies' food, but now we make them eat themselves. Almost makes you want to become a vegetarian... until you smell a good steak on the grill. Mm mmm!


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

The No Truth Zone; O'Reilly Spins Himself Into a Corner
Topic: Texas News

We have all undoubtedly heard that wonderful jackass Bill O'Reilly claim to have no "spin" or political agenda on his program mere moments before slamming into some poor guest because they don't share the exact opinion as he does. Well, now O'Reilly gets to go on the defensive, and hopefully will admit a pretty grievous mistake on his TV show, but we doubt it. He takes himself WAY to seriously to do that.

Bill O'Reilly recently ripped into The Houston Chronicle (as he should, because that paper BLOWS) for this editorial, which he said called for a more lenient approach to tracking Florida sex offenders. The King of No Spin himself then began tweaking it towards how he wanted to take it, saying that these people who had attacked him "multiple times" were for letting sex offenders off the hook, even though the article only said that GPS tracking should be pushed to the side and police officers and active surveillance would be a better way to track the offenders.

Simple enough, no?

Well, not for a man of Bill O'Reilly's high intelligence. The venerable host then proceeded to read direct quotes from the editorial that, oops, were never printed by the paper in any form. It's pretty funny to read about one of the most "holier than thou" on-air nuts get caught in a massive BS storm.

Seriously, read it for yourself. You'll thank us later.


THE HOUSTON CHRONICLE


P.S. - And seriously, The Houston Chronicle needs to be a better paper. We'd rather read Redbook, which is two steps above gouging out our eyes with a rusty key on our "want to do" list.