World's Most Perfect Reality Show Currently NOT Being Filmed in Sierra Leone; Monkey Hunters
Topic: World News

Following the death of a taxi driver and brutal beatings of three American businessmen, a squad of highly trained police officials are off hunting a deadly team of 20 escaped chimpanzees. This has the potential to be perhaps the greatest TV show ever filmed.

Just a bunch of pissed off cops hunting down a team of rogue monkeys. You could even stretch it out to twenty shows, with a take down in each episode, working your way up to the boss.

It appears that two males, Bruno and Philip, are leading the monkey revolt after orchestrating a daring mid-day prison break in which 30 of the primates escaped. With ten of their number already behind bars and their two leaders wanted for murder, the monkeys are being more desperate to escape the country, with the hope of a new life awaiting them in the Congo.

Will they make it? Find out next week on Monkey Hunters!


REUTERS

Nepal To Have Democracy! We Hadn't Even Realized We'd Invaded
Topic: World News

The king of the small mountain kingdom of Nepal has announced that he will return power to the people of the country in a form of democracy only 14 months after seizing power and naming himself ruler. Now the Nepalese get to look forward to their current king winning every "election" for the next 20 years, kind of like how Saddam worked.

Massive protests had swept the country recently after pro-democracy riots brought the economy of sheep herding and guiding people up mountains to a crippling halt. Rioting crowds were fired upon by Defense Ministry troops, and one person died. But no more! No more beating women and shooting old people. Dammit, we were just planning a vacation.

We just can't wait to see how President Bush turns this one into a "Democracy on the March" speech. Because if he can successfully do that, the guy's damn good.


MSNBC

Crazed Former French Air Traffic Controller Thinks Comet Will Kill Earth on May 25
Topic: World News

At first, former French Air Traffic Controller Eric Julien starts off a reasonable assessment of a possible space threat against a potentially large portion of the Earth. Shortly into his description of how he decoded the data, however, his toggle is flipped, and out of nowhere comes what can only be described as his paranoid Frenchness.

He concludes the May 25 event is tied in to the Bush administration's policy of preemptive use of nuclear weapons against Iran, and the effect of nuclear weapons on the realms of higher intelligences.

Even though we have yet to nuke Iran (even though we should - ed.), Mr. Julien seems to believe that the radiation is fucking with the President's brain, even though we would argue that it was the decade of drinking and drug usage.

But beware, whatever part of the world you are in, for the comet Schwassman-Wachmann, which could possibly dump a Volkswagen-sized piece of itself in your area. Knowing our country's recent luck, it'll hit New Orleans.


U.S. NEWSWIRE

Japanese Soldier Finally Makes It Home From World War II After 63 Years; That's a Long Tour of Duty
Topic: World News

An 83-year-old Japanese solider has finally returned to his hometown of Iwate after 63 years in Ukraine after being captured, pronounced dead to his government, and then left behind in World War II. Stripped of his citizenship because of the death certificate, Ishinosuke Uwano married and father three children in his home outside of Kiev.

He has forgotten how to speak his native language and speaks only Russian now, meaning that he went from speaking a horrifically ear-piercing language to possibly the ugliest one on the planet. While living on the tundra. Hmm, tropical living to the north pole? This guy's life stinks. Hurry up and give him his citizenship back, Japan!


REUTERS via YAHOO! NEWS

Idiot Russian "Student" Gives $160,000 to Psychics to Remove Curse
Topic: World News

College students are notorious for spending gobs of money on crap they don't need, like ping pong tables, video game systems, and massively over sized truck tires. Well, a Russian student can trump anything you throw at him, after she gave a pair of "psychics" $160,000 in jewelry and money to lift a curse.

The two wanted women have not yet been found, but we're pretty sure they're the best salesmen ever and that their mark was a total moron.


REUTERS

One of These Days Alice! Japanese Wife Tries to Bankrupt Family; Police Step in to Help
Topic: World News

A Japanese family who had $42,000 in yen (five million or so - ed.) thrown away in the trash by the wife had the money returned to them by police today, thus negating the evil wench's probable plan of bankrupting her family, thus causing her husband to honorably kill himself in ritual suicide which would leave her with the house and his life insurance, free to go wherever she pleases and stick her black widow fangs into another hard working husband.

No, we're just kidding. The dude put the money in a trash bag and hid it in the garbage, so what the hell did he think was gonna happen on trash day? She wouldn't empty the bin? That's grounds for a smacking in Japanese custom.


REUTERS via YAHOO! NEWS

Norwegian's Weirder Than Originally Thought
Topic: World News

We report this story with great sadness, as we have Norwegian ancestry coursing through our veins. It turns out that not only are Toeheads obsessed with cross country skiing, but they also celebrate Easter by reading about murder and watching crime thrillers on TV. This can be attributed to Norway having the lowest crime rater in Europe while having some of the richest citizens and a five day Easter break. Gotta do something to waste the time away, we guess.

"People sit inside their cabins, watch crime on television and then read crime books at night," said book reviewer Ane Farsethaas. "It's a very Norwegian thing to do."

Sure, Norwegian. Or just strange. It's Easter for Christ's sake, and the number one book in the country is titled "Men Who Hate Women."

God why couldn't our ancestors been from Finland?


REUTERS via YAHOO! NEWS

The End Game for Ariel Sharon; Too Fat to be Revived from Coma
Topic: World News

Israel Prime Minister has reached the end of his days after his massive stroke back in January of this year. Even though there were rumblings this morning, it has finally been announced that the coma is not temporary and, barring a miracle, Sharon is "permanently incapacitated." Under Israeli law, after 100 days, the leader is called such so that a new one can be found. While the deadline expires Friday, Passover begins on Wednesday, so the deadline crossed this morning.

Now, much like warring neighbor Palestine, Israel must find a new leader, one who will come to power at a hard time, especially after the joyous election of Palestinian Prime Minister Abbas (a moderate) and then the election of the hardline Hamas government.

So we'll find out next week who will take over after the Israeli cabinet votes on the man who would be targeted next. So a sad day for Israel, and we're sure Hamas all just simultaneously orgasmed at the news. Thank god we live in Texas, where Jewish people are confined to banks and Palestinians held captive in their convenience stores. We don't need any more protesters walking past our house Sunday at 10 a.m. chanting things we can't, and don't want to, make out over our vodka soaked headache.


CBS NEWS

Da Vinci Code Plagarism Case Thrown Out of Court
Topic: World News

The case against The Da Vinci Code author Dan Brown citing plagarism from two authors of the 1982 non-fiction consipracy theory book The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail was thrown out of court today, with the judge ruling that Brown didn't use the Holy Blood's ideas as his central theme.

So after six months of fake author alerts, including J.T. Leroy and James Frey, Dan Brown comes out smelling like a rose as his movie streaks towards the box office and what will certainly be enough money for Brown to buy England.

And what will become of the two plaintiffs in the case? They're stuck with a 350,000 pound bill, because they were too stupid to get an attorney that was working for a cut of the results, not cash up front. D'oh.


SKY NEWS

New Iraqi Intelligence Document Confirms Russian Involvement with Saddam Pre-War? Hello New Cold War
Topic: World News

A new series of intelligence documents out of Iraq shows a bunch of scary shit, including Russian officials informing Saddam Hussein about U.S. troop movement and strength before Operation Iraqi Freedom and linking Osama Bin Laden and the Taliban directly to Saddam Hussein. Oh yeah, and it also offers proof that Saddam and OBL had in fact been conspiring to attack targets inside the United States. We're going to let the documents speak for themselves below.

An Iraqi intelligence service document saying that their Afghan informant, who's only identified by a number, told them that the Afghan consul Ahmed Dahastani claimed the following in front of him:

That OBL and the Taliban are in contact with Iraq and that a group of Taliban and bin Laden group members visited Iraq
That the U.S. has proof the Iraqi government and "bin Laden's group" agreed to cooperate to attack targets inside America.
That in case the Taliban and bin Laden's group turn out to be involved in "these destructive operations," the U.S. may strike Iraq and Afghanistan.
That the Afghan consul heard about the issue of Iraq's relationship with "bin Laden's group" while he was in Iran.

And here are the Russians:

The first document (CMPC-2003-001950) is a handwritten account of a meeting with the Russian ambassador that details his description of the composition, size, location and type of U.S. military forces arrayed in the Gulf and Jordan. The document includes the exact numbers of tanks, armored vehicles, different types of aircraft, missiles, helicopters, aircraft carriers, and other forces, and also includes their exact locations. The ambassador also described the positions of two Special Forces units.

There's a lot of other stuff in there too, like documents about al Qaeda coming to Iraq, the Russians giving more secrets, and a series of meetings between OBL and Saddam over the past ten years. Oops. Hopefully this puts a little more fire under the current Iraqi government to get rid of the insurgents instead of letting their people get bombed.


ABCNEWS

Chinese Cosmetics Firm Finds Disgustingly Effective Way to Test Products on Humans
Topic: World News

Say you had a new type of collagen that you wanted to test on humans, but no one would be willing to allow their lips to be possibly destroyed by your experimental product. What would you do?

Well, if you worked for a Chinese cosmetics firm, you would simply go to your freezer and pull out a set of human lips from an executed prisoner, inject the substance into them, and then see what happens.

GROSS!

An unnamed firm has been using skin cells from dead Chinese prisoners for years without any thoughts to the fact that this is fucking disgusting and ethically bankrupt, but whatever.

“A lot of the research is still carried out in the traditional manner using skin from the executed prisoners and aborted fetus," an agent was quoted as saying. “In China it is considered very normal and I was very shocked that Western countries can make such a big fuss about this," he said.

Dude! You're testing lip glosses on 3/4 of a human baby and you don't see anything wrong with that? Now people, this is the reason we're going to lose any war we start with China. They'd throw children under our tank treads if they thought it would stop us.


WORLD TRIBUNE

Canadian Government Worker Starts Web Site to Earn Donations and Quit Job
Topic: World News

Sometimes Canadians can be really, really stupid. Like, all the time. However, if this works, this is possibly the smartest Canadian ever.

A depressed government official from our Northern neighbor has started a website, saveabureaucrat.com, on which he begs for money (1 million Canadian bucks, to be exact - ed.) so he can quit his job and "do something meaningful." By "do something meaningful," he probably means "move out of Canada," but he could also mean drink away the approximately $860,000US he would receive.

His mission, however, is falling pretty short. So far, only five donations have been made to reach a total of $59.26C. That's like $40US. Hell, we'd take that. Anyone want to make a donation? We have to pay to keep this thing running, and those Google ads at the top don't bring in that much cash.

Come on you cheap bastards! www.saveheartofdarko.com!


REUTERS via YAHOO! NEWS

P.S. - This might be a hoax, since when we type the address in our browser, it sends us to Google. How odd...

Airlines Can't Do Their Jobs of Moving Stuff and People at the Same Time
Topic: World News

A recent report has shown that airlines across the world are having severe problems doing their jobs and lost an estimated 30 million bags in 2005, with over 200,000 of them just disappearing completely. If they had done their jobs right, they would've saved some $2.5 billion. Nice.

A few extra facts follow:

Average time to have bag found and returned to owner: 31 hours or 1.3 days

Main reason for losing bag: mishandling

Amount of luggage lost due to mistagging: 3 percent

Increase in lost revenue from 2004 to 2005 due to lost luggage: 900 million freakin' dollars

Seriously, this is why we should all still travel by bus. You can't lost luggage when you load it in the compartment below you. Either that or just go back to wooden clipper ships. Hard to lose your luggage in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

U.S. Charges Into Northern Iraq to Blow Shit Up
Topic: World News

The United States military announced today that they had begun their largest air offensive in three years in Iraq and had already taken weapons caches that included thousands of guns, rounds of ammo, bombs and bomb-making materials.

This appears to be an attempt to quell the Sunni-run area that has been the site of multiple bombings, which included the mosque bombings that set off an almost civil war. No "Mission Accomplished" banners have been printed yet, and the military statement said this will keep going for a while.

Sweet. They want to blow up their own homes? We'll help.


MSNBC

Married Mexican Couple Are the Real "Mr. & Mrs. Smith"
Topic: World News

A very angered Mexican couple decided that it was time to kick ass and end some life as they turned on each other with guns, knives and homemade pipe bombs. Yeah, really. The couple fought until they blew up their own house with a massive gasoline bomb.

Both suffered burns but no serious injury, and since they're in Mexico, they probably won't even do any time and will be back out to fix their rubble and then decide how to blow the fuck out of each other more effectively. The wife had the following to say while in recovery from the weapon-filled rumble (it's paraphrased, since we don't speak Spanish when we're sober - ed.):

"I'm only sorry I didn't cut off his manhood."

Ha. Awesome.


REUTERS via YAHOO! NEWS

The Death of a Serbian Slob
Topic: World News

For those like us that did nothing but watch the 24 marathon on WGN all weekend, it came as a surprise that one of the most evil men with one of the goofiest names died Saturday in his prison cell in the Hague of an apparent heart attack. Slobodan Milosevic was being held prisoner pending his trial on war crimes and genocide for his part in the killings of millions of Bosnians, Croatians and Kosovons during the late 1990s in Yugoslavia.

But now a murder theory has started, as a toxicology report shows signs that perhaps a wrong heart medication was administered to Milosevic, and that is what caused his heart to seize. Even bigger in the picture is that Milo sent a letter to a judge only hours earlier, stating that he was concerned people were trying to poison him and that a "heavy drug" had been found in his system earlier.

Even if these rumors are true, we say good goddamn riddance. The man ordered the killings of thousands of innocent men, women and children because they were not Serbian. There's a special place in hell for people like that, and Sloby is probably in that special place right now, getting raped by Satan for eternity. Eat a dick Milosevic.


MSNBC

Dubai Company Gives Up Port Bid; Got That Politicians? Pitch Forks Down
Topic: World News

The Dubai company that was to take over management control of major United States ports withdrew its bid today, saying that they will turn over control to a U.S.-owned company to help quelch bad thoughts between America and the United Arab Emirates. This announcement comes only hours after politicians against the ports deal stood up, beat their chest and held out their arms at Bush in a gangland style of saying "bring it on sucka duck."

“Because of the strong relationship between the United Arab Emirates and the United States and to preserve that relationship, DP World has decided to transfer fully the U.S. operation of P&O; Operations North America to a United States entity,” DP World’s chief operating officer Edward H. Bilkey said.

So now will everyone calm down already about this. No bombings, no Arab control, no under-the-table oil deals, no nothing. The ports are good. Besides being run by ex-cons protected by a murderous union, the ports are good.


MSNBC

Russia Cozies Up To Iran, Who Promises Pain to US; When Did This Become TNA Wrestling?
Topic: World News

Russia is nothing but a bunch of smelly, frozen mush-headed, poverty stricken socialists. There, we said it. Iran, on the other hand, are equally as smelly, burnt to a crisp, we don't know what they eat but it's in their heads, and they have more money Islamo-fascists.

This was not the greatest way to start an argument, but as long as Russia continues to back Iran on their goal to become a nuclear power, we're going to make fun of the turnip-heads (do they have turnips in Russia? Google it sometime you lazy bastard - ed.).

While Tehran has never said they would prefer to have nuclear weapons, and Russia is cautious of this too, there is no doubt in our heads that the country is looking straight into doing this. However, Russia is being a bunch of vodkaholics and saying that if the UN decides to impose sanctions on their chum, then they're not going to support them, to which we believe the US response should go as follows:

"So how's that freedom we got you? Want to lose it?"

Fuck Iran. They said that if we stopped them from utilizing nuclear power and possibly new techniques, they would bring America "harm and pain." Yeah Russia, they're not looking at getting weaponized uranium you dirty porridge-brained oafs. Maybe if you get the snow out of your brains and start to think clearly you'll see that they're only rubbing your ass so they can shove something up it after they've used all of your dad's money and smashed his car into a tree because they'd just had a "few beers" and "geez baby, it's no big deal, it was only a Camaro" and we're sorry okay, we're friggin' sorry!


MSNBC

Irish Priests Biggest Boy-Touchers in Catholic Church!
Topic: World News

The Roman Catholic archdiocese of Dublin announced today that they will begin investigating a massive number of priests for inappropriate behavior with young children. That total number since 1940 is 350 complaints involving 102 children.

102.

We knew from the movies that Irish priests were forgiving, but not giving. While the 102 number might have come from a total of 2,800 priests, that's still quite a big pill to er, ah, swallow.

So far only eight priests in Dublin have been convicted of child abuse, while total monetary damages to the church have equaled only $7 million. With the investigation looking to turn to criminal matters after its conclusion, that number will of course go up. The only real thing that has been affected involving this information release is that we have switched our upcoming vacation destination from Ireland to Scotland. We'd rather be stabbed by a drunk sheep herder than be forced to play "hide the leprechaun" by a sober priest.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

British Police Arrest 14th Person Involved in $90+ Million Heist!
Topic: World News

As we reported late last month, the world's largest heist ever took place in London and involved a kidnapping, two teams of thieves, and no gunfire.

Now the British police have really gotten cracking, especially after they lost over $92 million during the robbery. In fact, they've arrested their 14th person in connection with the crime and are currently combing a farm for either money or bodies or drugs or something.

This is awesome. We're so subscribing to this story.


MSNBC