Get the Hell out of Los Angeles
Topic: National News

Some chick in L.A. was just diagnosed with Bubonic Plague! Yeah, you know that disease that killed half of Europe, like 25 million people? We recommend packing your shit and getting the hell out.

It's either that or wait for the plague rats to come. Either way, we warned you, so you can't blame us if you die.


MSNBC

Former Illinois Governor Guilty of Racketeering, Other Major Crimes!
Topic: National News

Today is not exactly a great day to be from the state of Illinois. Former Governor George Ryan has been convicted by a US District Court Judge of racketeering, mail fraud, tax fraud, obstruction of justice, and lying to the FBI. Ryan, once a big critic of the death sentence, reportedly steered big business to Illinois and companies that he and his family had personal stakes in, including a business deal with IBM that netted him $25 million.

So now we have corrupt politicians from states other than our own. Thank god, because it's embarrassing to have Tom DeLay in the news everyday. Now it's Ryan's turn. Oh wait, no it's not. He's a Democrat. Ha ha! We said it.


ABCNEWS

Florida Sucks Today; Kitten Tosser Not Going to Jail
Topic: National News

For some reason, all the news today is coming from Florida. We'd like to think we had something to do with this, but we know that's merely a delusion.

Perhaps you remember the case of the Florida kitten tosser, who allegedly drove down a highway reaching into his back seat and nonchalantly tossing kittens out the driver's side of his rust bucket. Today, a jury exonerated him of all charges, after the only person to see the man do this failed to convince the jury he's a monster.

"It looked like they were coming from underneath the car," she said. "He was hanging his hand over the door ... and flicking them underneath," she said. "It was just horrible."

The accused's response?

"I'm assuming that there were cats in my car," he told the jury during his trial. "I'm assuming that as I turned on to Whitfield, these cats abandoned ship and jumped out.

"I wish I had noticed something," he said, "so that I could have turned that car around and took those kittens back where they belonged."

Okay look, we're not saying this guy is guilty, but the burden of evidence was on the prosecution, and they definitely didn't prove anything. Personally, we think he did it, and this is just another reason why we own a camera phone.


SPLOID

Former Enron CEO Really Sticking With His Story
Topic: National News

As the trial of former Enron CEO and major horse's ass Jeff Skilling continues, Skilling just won't drop his "I didn't do nuthin" story and just keeps pouring on that everyone who confessed to malfeasance was pressured by the government. If this is true, then apparently cooking the books is legal in Texas now and we need to refile our tax report.

"I would say the vast majority who testified here are in my opinion not guilty," Skilling said.

Skilling also goes into how the only reason he quit was because he was saddened that Wall Street seemed to have blacklisted him and the stock was dropping. Of course, this had to do with his front companies getting discovered, but he blames it on the conference call where he yelled at a hedge fund manager and berated him as a "cocksucker." Sure, it was that, and not the billions of dollars of debt that he had hidden in over 100 dummy corporations. Yeah, we believe him.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

NYPD Convicts Luchese Mob Family Hit Men Detectives
Topic: National News

Two highly decorated NYPD detectives with over 44 years of combined experience were convicted of multiple gangland murders during their employment as hit men for the Luchese mob family. Now, both men, one of whom is retired, get to go to jail, maybe for the rest of their lives, because they killed mob bosses for money.

The financials of their murderous transactions have also finally been released, and they're kind of promising for those that are looking to move into the contract killing business.

$4,000 a month salary, plus 65 grand a hit, including one that was executed during a fake traffic stop. But that didn't stop these two pioneering dirt bags from rising to the top of the NYPD either. The retired detective, Steven Caracappa, actually helped start the department's investigation wing into organized crime murders, probably using his years of experience as a hired killer to rat on his friends.

Wonderful guys, when all is said and done.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Real Life Homeward Bound; The Incredible Journey in Indiana
Topic: National News

You're going to have to forgive us, because we're big softies when it comes to animal stories, and this one is a yarn for the ages. And even though this incredible animal story deals with a Lhasa Apso, which is basically a glorified dish rag anyway, we're going to forgo that and tear up like this family involved in the story surely did.

Gidget was a good dog who was unfortunately named after a shitty TV show starring Sally Field (we think it was Sally Field, but we were scratching our eyeballs out at the time, so we can't be sure - ed.). She realized this in 2001 and took off from her home in South Bend, Indiana. The Webb family was sure that their beloved dog had died, as no one had called in anything and they had not received any words of a sighting.

But never give up hope, my friends! Over four years after her disappearance, Gidget was found by animal control. still wearing her collar and tags. The now 13 year old pooch was returned home to a happy family with a little more stiffness, and still bearing the disappointment of being a Lhasa Apso, but at least she is home.


MSNBC

Another Teacher Accused of Having Sex With Teenage Student
Topic: National News

What is the goddamn deal with teachers bumping uglies with their severely underage students? After former bike model and current hottie Debra LaFave basically got off (excuse the awful pun - ed.) after being convicted of having sex a couple of times with one of her students, a whole rash of teacher/student sex stories are banging around out there.

Now, 34-year-old Rachel Holt is in pretty big trouble after one of her 13-year-old student's fathers contacted police because he believed he was having an inappropriate relationship with his son. The word "inappropriate" doesn't even begin to describe it.

Holt allegedly had sex with her student 28 times, while getting him drunk and allowing his 12-year-old friends to watch them go at it like dogs in heat. This was after she took the boy out to dinner and let him drive her car, like they were in a real relationship. Now Holt is under arrest on multiple counts of rape, providing alcohol to minors, and unlawfully dealing with a child.

Jesus Christ teachers, we made it clear to you earlier. If you're lonely and horny, send us a message. We'll come meet you, sex you up, and then leave, thus allowing you to keep your job and not have to degrade yourself by sleeping with a kid who hasn't hit puberty yet. Goddamn...


MSNBC

Federal Air Marshals; Protecting You, and Their Blow, in the Sky
Topic: National News

Two federal air marshals pleaded guilty yesterday to smuggling 15 pounds of cocaine from Columbia through American borders by using their law enforcement officer status for a measly $15,000, proving that while LEOs may indeed be brave and selfless, they are definitely not smart, considering that 15 pounds of Columbian marching powder is worth, oh, millions of bucks American.

Shawn Ray Nguyen’s attorney, Kent Schaffer, said his client pleaded guilty because “he felt that the best way to ... demonstrate his repentance about his conduct was to take a guilty plea as early as possible.”

So what happens to government LEOs when they get busted smuggling dope? They get suspended without pay. Yes, our two intrepid officers are sitting at home not collecting a check and waiting to see how little of the 10 years to life with maximum $4 million fine they are going to get. We're guessing that this will be swept under the table, especially with the status of air travel as shitty as it is. That and no one likes to be reminded how even the most valiant of us can be swayed by a few grand.


MSNBC

Dancer Sues Broadway for $100 Million Because of Boob Growth
Topic: National News

Miami dancer Alice Alyse (yes, that's her real name - ed.) who was let go from the Broadway show "Movin' Out" because her breasts had grown too big for her costume has sued for $100 million because of emotional abuse, leading us to believe that this is the largest lawsuit ever regarding a woman's boobs.

"I was thin, I was a size zero, but my breasts had gotten bigger. When I tried on my costumes they fit everywhere except in the breast area."

After an injury forced her to sit out, she "matured" and her breasts grew from a C cup to a D cup, meaning that the costumes no longer kept her ladyhood properly under control. The lawsuit lists charges such as wrongful termination, breach of contract, defamation, sexual harassment and intentional infliction of emotional distress as reasons for the massive amount of damages sought. The reasoning behind the damages is easily explained by Alyse's attorney as actual and compensatory damages and because the show was so lucrative.

Our opinion? Crap case. $100 million because you were fired? The show was not about Alice Alyse and she was not the star, but a co-star. We weren't aware that unknown Broadway performers made millions of dollars, and if you're in show business and have problems with people talking about breasts, you're too sensitive. This is the epitome of a frivolous lawsuit. Good luck, you tart.


REUTERS via YAHOO! NEWS

Charges Dropped in Hottie 14-Year-Old Humping Teacher Case???
Topic: National News

Debra Lafave, the 25-year-old hot teacher who was so desperate to get a date that she banged her teenage student, has just had extraneous charges against her dropped in a plea bargain that will keep her under house arrest for three years and on probation for seven. Plus, she has to file as a sexual predator (hottest sexual predator we've ever seen - ed.) and will lose her teaching license forever.

The student alleged that Lafave humped him in the classroom, her SUV and her home over a period of a few months. He turned her in because he's an idiot.

This leads us to say this: we're not bad looking and we haven't hit a girl in days. Hot teachers, if you're looking for male attention, don't ride a student. We're available. It's sad to see a 25-year-old blonde chick who won't speak to us in a bar not get to even go out for three years because she played "Where's the Porpoise" with a freshman in high school. Geez girls, come on...


MSNBC

Looting New Orleans Police Officers Officially Not Looting, Says NOPD
Topic: National News

This topic should be called "national embarrassment" after today's announcement from the New Orleans Police Department stating that four officers who were seen in the Kid's Clothing section of a Wal-mart grabbing clothes were in fact, not looting, but only derelict of their duties to stop the people that kept running past them with TVs. Now, Assistant Police Chief Marlon Defillo said that the officers were cleared because they were taking clothing for other officers who were "soaking wet."

Hmm, but if you remember back to the video, they were taking kid's clothes. And shoes. How old were these officers? Fucking nine? This kind of hypocritical crap just burns our ass, especially since these are goddamn cops who are supposed to be quelling this, not stealing along with everybody else. And the key of all this stupidity is that when asked what they were doing, on camera mind you, the officers responded "looking for looters."

Guess what bitch? They're right behind you in a police uniform. And across the aisle for you with a DVD player under their arm. And running into the cameraman with an armful of tools. Sure NOPD, just suspend them for ten days for "dereliction of duty" and then arrest a bunch of kids on Mardi Grad for being drunk. Assholes.


MSNBC

P.S. - You don't believe us? Look at the picture. Goddamn kid's flip flops in the shopping cart. Even if they were taking stuff for soaked cops, what dripping wet police officer is gonna change out of shoes into flip flops?

NCAA Tournament Delayed After Hungry Dog "Hit" on Hot Dog Cart
Topic: National News

A bomb-sniffing dog who hadn't yet had his lunchtime Kibble "hit" on a hot dog vendor's cart before the NCAA tournament was set to being in San Diego. The entire arena was evacuated and 12,000 people were kept away from the building for two hours.

After a bomb squad robot disassembled the cart and found nothing but wieners, people were let back in. No word on whether the dog was punished or given a free hot dog for his vigilance, but it's still pretty funny. Goes to show you that it's not just the drug dogs that are all messed up.


REUTERS

H&R; Block Gets Shmacked Again, This Time By NY Attorney General Rat Boy
Topic: National News

Despite it being tax season, when they make all of their money, it's not a good time to be H&R; Block, the world's largest tax preparer. After getting caught by the IRS for not disclosing tens of millions in income and being forced to pay the government $32 million to solve the problem, New York Attorney General Eliot "I'm Not a Ratboy" Spitzer has decided that it's time to knock the giant down off of their peg again and has hit them with a fraud charge, alleging that they deliberately led clients to purchase IRAs that they knew would lose money.

“The conduct described in today’s complaint is particularly appalling because many of those hardest hit were working families who struggle to save,” Spitzer said in a statement. “Instead of providing these families with accurate information that would have allowed them to make informed choices, H&R; Block steered them into retirement accounts that actually shrank over time.”

Ouch. Guess Eliot is a Jackson Hewitt customer.


MSNBC

75-Year-Old Grandmother Robs Grocery Store, Leads Police on High Speed Pursuit
Topic: National News

Your grandmother might have taken you bowling at a young age, thus giving you a skill that you are still able to thrust in your drunk friends' faces whenever you put on those special, leather-soled shoes, but this grandmother could kick your granny's ass.

75-year-old Marilyn Devine just sort of snapped and walked into a Pennsylvania grocery store, brandishing a 9mm pistol and demanding money from underneath her homemade Pittsburgh Steelers ski mask. She made it out of the store with $5,300 in cash stuffed inside of a garbage bag, only to be picked up quickly by the police.

Was she done? Yeah, right. She's too cool for that. Instead of stopping, she led police on a 5-mile chase through the streets of Baldwin, PA, before stopping the car and letting police arrest her. She's currently on $100,000 bail for armed robbery, theft, assault, fleeing and eluding and carrying an unlicensed firearm. Estelle Getty, eat your sissy little heart out.


SPLOID

Settlement In Crackberry Patent Case???
Topic: National News

Word came down to us through someone tied close to the civil suit that an agreement might have been reached in the Blackberry patent violation case. No word as of yet on what that settlement is, but when we know, you'll know.

Unless, of course, Blackberry lost and we can't access our Crackberry to post the info. Then you won't find out jack shit from us.

Hollywood Dirty Cop Movies Come to Life in LA Corruption Bust
Topic: National News

In what will no doubt become a series of a dozen shitty cop movies over the next two years, half of which will star Steven Seagal, five former LAPD officers have been arrested for carrying out false searches and warrants on drug houses and then stealing money, guns and dope to sell on the streets.

"While this story sounds like a script from 'The Shield' or 'Training Day,' it actually happened here in L.A.," said Assistant U.S. Attorney Thomas O'Brien.

See? They even agree with us on it!

Only five of the 19 people arrested are former officers, but their ring leader supplied the group with uniforms, badges and even squad cars to help carry out the raid. The group stole over 600 pounds of marijuana, TVs, jewelry, money and rifles during their "raids," which were carried out using false search warrants.

The leader of the group, Officer Ruben Palomares, is already serving jail time for drug trafficking. What's sad is we wrote a novel about this exact thing back in 2000. This happened in 2001. Those sons of bitches stole our idea! Plagiarism!


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Florida Cat Shot Six Times; Still Alive With Three to Go
Topic: National News

A south Florida cat that was used as point blank target practice by some asshole with a .22 will carry six bullets with her for the rest of her three remaining lives as police search for the perp.

"This was target practice -- point blank target practice," owner Lynne Gradus said. "There were three (bullets) on one side, two on the other and one on his stomach. So, this was not one shot. This was a person who enjoyed shooting a little helpless pet."

The four-year-old cat, Mushki, is in fine health after a local veterinarian said it would be more dangerous to try to remove the bullets from kitty's body. We're big fans of finding this person, tying them to a tree, and then shooting them in every joint in their body with a bow and arrow. Somehow we think that would be a deterrent against this sort of animal cruelty.


FLORIDA TODAY

Crazed Woman Said Mentally Challenged Kids Requested to Sleep in Cages
Topic: National News

The Ohio woman who kept multiple special needs children that she had adopted in steel cages with alarms said that the mentally handicapped kids actually, wait for it, ASKED to sleep in cages.

Even though she testified that it started off innocently enough. She and her husband built a series of bunk beds with a "playpen" attached to them for the kids' toys. After a while, they added steel wire and an alarm because the kids would act up and go punch and threaten each other with knives. And some of those kids asked if they could sleep in cages.

Of course, she met her husband at a dinner for sex abuse victims, so there's already a history of a little coo-cooness there. Hopefully she'll have her kids taken away. We can understand keeping them in a steel cage for disciplinary reasons. That's all well and normal, right? But to sleep? That's stretching it.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Seven-Year-Old Girl Brings Tons of Blow For Classmates!
Topic: National News

No one has ever claimed Philly to be a city of class and taste, but it appears that their drug problem is getting way out of hand. Police confirmed that a seven-year-old girl brought 18 bags of cocaine to her elementary school and then passed them around the classroom, during which times a couple of the curious kids ate some of the white powder.

Teachers were alerted to what was going on when one of the students who ate some of the blow began to shake violently. Guess it doesn't take much to OD a 50 pound kid.

"I ate it. I asked, 'What is it?' I spit it out and I was like, 'What is it?'" said Shaniya Brown, 7.

"I took her to the hospital because she said when they were in there, when she took it, she started shaking and she couldn't stop shaking," her mother said.

Good night and good luck indeed! What the hell are you doing Philadelphia? Police have no idea where she could've gotten the drugs, but we're going to venture a guess of, hmm, the parents maybe? Idiots. Cut your mullet. Then solve crimes.


NBC10

Google Stock Takes a Dump!
Topic: National News

Stock in Google dropped over $50 today after the company's CFO announced that growth was slowing down and "largely organic." The stock currently rests at $357.37, down $33, meaning that it had a slight recovery since Wall Street freaked out and began to dump the stock, which some financial advisors have called a high risk because of Google's lack of assets.

If this isn't proof positive of that, we don't know what is. Let's take a look at the timeline:

1.) Stock up to around $380
2.) CFO says growth "slowing." Not stopped, not negative, not bad, but "slowing"
3.) Stock drops $50
4.) Other internet companies take hits, including eBay, Yahoo and Baidu
5.) Google recovers $17 of its losses

So yes, the tech bubble is back ladies and gentlemen. And if we had taken the opportunity that was given to us to buy into the incredible money-making IPO like we should have, we would currently be righting this from Jamaica, where half naked islanders would bring us cocktails and we would be dictating this post to a sixteen-year-old student.

Dear god that would be the good life.


REUTERS