Charlie Sheen is Nuts
Topic: Embarrassment

Charlie Sheen's divorce proceedings went public and just got a hell of a lot worse for the actor/coke whore, meaning it's probably not the best time to launch his brand of children's clothing, which is creepy enough as it is.

But now, Denise Richards' attorneys released a bunch of voice mails that Sheen left on her answering machine while she was still preggers with their second kid. And let us tell you, this dude is nuts. Careful... foul language follows:

"Okay, you're a fucking liar, so you what it's like... fuck you. Okay, I hope you rot in fucking hell. You're a piece of shit fucking liar and I hope you fucking rot in hell."

It gets worse from there in that particular message, but we'll let you click over and read it. But this one cracks us up. This next message was left a mere three hours after the previous one above.

"Hey, I'm going home early. I just hate to leave early and then you come and then I hear from Laura in a letter that costs me, you know, five grand that, you know, I didn't let you know I was leaving early. So I'm gonna leave early. Okay? Dick face."

Dude, he just called Denise Richards dick face! This is gonna be the best divorce trial ever.


THE SMOKING GUN

Oops! Katrina Hero is a Drug Dealer
Topic: Embarrassment

21-year-old Jabar Gibson saw 60 of his fellow city mates stranded in the Louisiana Superdome and thought to himself, this will not do. After hot-wiring a yellow school bus, he loaded up the elderly and tired and drove them the entire way to the Houston Astrodome, right as the Superdome flooded, which would have sealed his passengers' fates.

The man is a definite hero and the epitome of someone who takes care of your fellow man. But that's because he's actually a drug dealer.

Mr. Gibson was arrested, for a second time, mind you, for possession of cocaine, heroin, and a .357 magnum. He was out of jail on bail when he rescued those 60 people from the Superdome, and it looks now like his movie and book deals will either peter out or take off due to the heartbreaking end of his story.

We're officially offering Mr. Gibson $2,000 for the rights to his story. Don't worry though, because we have no plans on turning around and selling them to Warner Brothers for hundreds of thousands. There's no way we're letting this story go for anything less than a billion.


MSNBC

Cat-fighting, Crying Possible Lesbian Former Cheerleaders Epic Comes to a Non-Erotic Conclusion
Topic: Embarrassment

The epic that was the Carolina Panther cheerleader bathroom sex scandal has whimpered its way to a close, loosening the pants of thousands of men across the nation, as uber-hot Renee Thomas and brown bagger Angela Keathley ended their hold on our johnsons in less than excitable fashion.

Keathley was not charged with any crime, yet Thomas was found guilty of assault and a litany of other petty crap and sentenced to a year of probation, 50 hours of community service and a $400 fine. Plus, neither will be allowed to cash in on this whole process, meaning that there won't be any Playboy spreads with the girls provocatively stroking each other's inner thighs while sitting on a pile of banana leaves in the Amazon. This can only mean one thing: the judge was a woman.


DEADSPIN

PREVIOUSLY: THE SHAGGING CHEERLEADERS 2

Bestiality Wave Sweeping America, Taking Out Middle Aged Men and Moving to Sheep!
Topic: Embarrassment

After reporting of the accidental "sex with a horse in Seattle" death of a man late last year, we would've thought that surely that was enough major bestiality stories for at least six months, right? We were entirely wrong, as this trove of horrendous drunken behavior movies further East and landing in Mesa, Arizona, where it has struck a local deputy fire chief.

The DFC, drunk, snuck into his neighbor's barn and was caught red, umm, handed, with his pants around his ankle and his willy inside a lamb. His timely response when caught by his mortified neighbors and sheriffs deputies?

“I probably do need some help, but I don’t know if this is the time or place for it.”

Dude, you're blasting a sheep (and a lamb no less, you fucking sicko - ed.) in the rear after being turned down by your neighbor's daughter while asking for permission. You ASKED PERMISSION TO HAVE SEX WITH A BABY SHEEP.

Christ all mighty. Sometimes we think France is right about us.


EAST VALLEY TRIBUNE

Fake Writer Watch Continues! Da Vinci Code Da Fake?
Topic: Embarrassment

Dan Brown is thought of as a literary genius, a god among writers and a man who seems to have taken some ideas from before. D'oh!

Two English authors are now claiming that Brown stole source material and ideas from their 1982 book The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail. While Random House says whatever, they are the publisher of both books, which makes this story of fake writer ship even more interesting.

We're not going to ruin Brown's book (or the upcoming movie - ed.) by giving away the plot, but we will say that the plot of Holy Blood involved Jesus marrying Mary Madeline and having a child from which the bloodline continues today. The Da Vinci Code pretty much says the same.

“In brief, the complaint appears to be that ’The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail’ discloses the idea that Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene, that they had children which survived and married into a line of French kings, that the lineage continues today, and that there is a secret society based in France which has the objective of restoring this lineage to the thrones not only of France but to the thrones of other European nations as well, and that (‘The Da Vinci Code’) uses some of this idea,” the plaintiffs' attorney said.

We guess that the authors are just looking for more money, but since their book has sold 36 million copies since its release, we don't see why. Unless they have a dime a week coke and hooker habit, but in that case, they could just make up some shit, call it a memoir, and go by the name James Frey. Sorry, we're still bitter about that.


MSNBC

James Frey Loses Book Deal; Will Only Be "Rich" and Not "Mega-Rich" for Rest of His Life
Topic: Embarrassment

After many weeks of fake memoirist James Frey popping in and out of this web site, we're happy to report that our favorite "memoirist" has lost his book deal, and the seven figures it would bring him. Now, he'll just have to live off of the remaining megabucks that his book sales are bringing him as they rise above 3 million.

Seriously folks, don't you get it? He made it up. It's not real. STOP BUYING IT. Even Warners looks like they're going to shelve the movie. If the book isn't real enough to get made into a shitty movie, then you should probably stay away from it. And if you are currently reading it, throw it away. Trust me, you'll get more satisfaction.


NY POST via GAWKER

Fake Writers Continue to Profit; Ask Your Mom, She Knows This One
Topic: Embarrassment

While thrillers/mysteries are one of the largest segment of the publishing industry, it must be difficult to continue to come up with fresh ideas every time you snort through your most recent advance.

And the truth is that it is. Ask Mary Higgins Clark, whom, in case you're wondering, has been keeping your mother entertained with her bedtime stories for years. It seems that Clark has been hard up for ideas and, whoops, might have stolen a bit of the plot from Israeli writer Dalia Gal's screenplay that circulated widely through Hollywood while Clark was writing her 2003 thriller "The Second Time Around."

The infringement suit that Gal filed against Clark noted that the plots both revolve around "a single female journalist's investigation of an elaborate conspiracy plot between two rival pharmaceutical companies to create a miracle drug, [and] a scientist working on the miracle drug [who] disappears," while the scientist's "wife is having a secret relationship with the head of the rival pharmaceutical corporation, and plays a role in the conspiracy against her husband."

Clark responded with this:

"Before this lawsuit was filed, I had never heard of Ms. Gal and certainly never saw her screenplay. Her allegations are blatant nonsense and patently untrue."

So if there are any mothers/librarians out there who have read Clark's novel, please let us know if this truly is the plot of the story because, quite frankly, it sounds kind of interesting.


NEW YORK DAILY NEWS

Cheney Turning Into Aaron Burr; Shooting Victim Has Heart Attack
Topic: Embarrassment

A completely embarrassing week for Dick Cheney has just gotten worse, as complications have arisen in his shooting victim's recovery as 78-year-old Harry Wittington had a "silent heart attack" today due to some errant birdshot either touching his heart or lodged inside his heart.

But now we at least have an official statement about what the hell happened, and it's not nearly as menacing or promising for comedy as once thought. Wittington stepped in front of Cheney to retrieve a killed quail, seconds before another covey sprung out of the brush. Cheney raised his shotgun as Wittington stood up and unloaded into the attorney.

Oh well. We were hoping that we had many more jokes able to make it out how Cheney had shot one of Scooter Libby's defense attorneys, but it appears to be just another routine hunting mishap. What the hell do we care? Who are we trying to kid? Cheney's the reincarnation of Aaron Burr!

You remember Aaron Burr, right? Dude who shot Alexander Hamilton in a duel? Hamilton died of complications from being shot in the gut a short time later. Let's just hope that Wittington doesn't die. Because the jokes might be good, but not good enough for a man's life.

Wittington was responsive and wished to go home after the heart murmur, but doctor's convinced him to stay in the hospital another week after saying, "Dude, the Vice President shot you and you had a heart attack. Milk this."


MSNBC

Frey-Watch! Dropped By Oprah, Now By Agent!
Topic: Embarrassment

James Frey, author of the fake memoir A Million Little Pieces, has faced the humiliation of first being outed by The Smoking Gun, then shut down by the big O on national television. Now, he's gonna have to find himself some new representation if he ever comes out with another memoir. Sorry, we didn't mean to say memoir. We meant to say collection of bullshit.

“In the last week, it became impossible for me to maintain a relationship once the trust had been broken. He eventually did apologize, but I felt for many reasons I had to let him go as a client,” said former manager/agent Kassie Evashevski.

Frey better hope that his editor doesn't leave, because that's like the other half of your brain leaving you in a lurch. Of course, his book's currently #5 on Amazon books, up from #6 yesterday, so it's not like he's ever going to be hurting for money. But whatever, we just want our $35 back you liar.


MSNBC

P.S. - Don't forget to sign Jenny Pietrowski's petition to get your money back from Random House, the purveyor of lies!

The Anti-James Frey "Million Little Pieces" Petition
Topic: Embarrassment

We file this under embarrassment, if only because we felt that we had been screwed after reading James Frey's "memoir" about his drug abuse and then finding out from The Smoking Gun (a favorite site, linked up in the left corner - ed.) that he kind of... LIED about what really happened. Not only because our mother is a librarian and our family is big into reading, but because the best story regarding drug abuse we've ever read is Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas by the recently dearly departed Doctor of Gonzo Journalism Hunter S. Thompson, and A Million Little Pieces made us empathize with Frey in such a way that astonished even us.

Special thanks go out to Jenny Pietrowski for starting this petition enclosed herein to help those of us who have felt slighted get our cash back from Random House, who feels that a note from the author is sufficient.

Bah, we say, bah! We bought this in hardback form! Are we whiney? YES! But we want our $30+ dollars back!

JAMES FREY PETITION!

See GAWKER for more coverage, including images of an angry Oprah. Poor Steadman. That guy must live in eternal fear.

Thanks again Jenny!

Reason #467 We Won't Live in New York; People Don't Give a Crap
Topic: Embarrassment

A 64-year-old man who had ridden the New York Metro Subway for hours was discovered to be dead, but probably not until after someone, we will neither say man or woman, probably had sex with him while taking his wallet and poking him with a syringe.

People thought he was sleeping, as it is very easy to fall into a state of REM with a knife in your side. The "official" policy is that if they're sitting up, as the poor man was, then transit workers don't touch them. So there's a hint for all your wannabe murders living in NYC. Got a body to stash in a hurry? Put it on the subway and prop it up. Transit workers can't touch it, while you scurry into hiding, leaving the authorities none the wiser. Idiots.


UPI

DC Ex-Mayor Marion Barry Mugged, Cannot Understand Crime, Despite Former Crack Habit
Topic: Embarrassment

Poor Marion Barry. Everyone had forgotten him. They forgot about his crack and whore habit while mayor of our capital city. They forgot about his indiscretions and the citizenry of Washington D.C. even gave him his job back. Then Chris Rock brought him back into reality, making people realize once again that, hey, our mayor smoked crack.

Well now he's reeling for being a complete and total idiot, and he should feel embarrassed instead of scared and freaked out. After tipping some "youths" for helping him carry his groceries back to his apartment, Barry was robbed at gunpoint when they returned and he LET THEM IN THE BUILDING. Dude, you deserved to get robbed.

“Obviously, I’m traumatized. To have a pistol cocked in your face is not something you cannot feel emotional about,” Barry said.

Yeah, that's rough. Not as rough and sucking cock for crack cocaine, but rough nonetheless. Sorry Marion, but we can't feel bad for you. This is called "karma" or "comeuppance." Get used to it.


AP via MSNBC

America Hates Publicists, But Not As Much As They Hate Tom Cruise
Topic: Embarrassment

The phrase "Jump the Couch" has made topped the American Slang Dictionary's top phrase/word of 2005, after the ubiquitous "actor" jumped around like a jackass on both Oprah and the Tonight Show, spouting his love for paid fiancee Katie Holmes in between bouts of calling Matt Lauer "glib" and haranguing him that he "doesn't know the history of psychiatry." Personally, we agree. If anyone knows crazy, it's Tom. Below is the official meaning of the award-winning phrase.

Jump the couch - strange or frenetic behavior.

Sadly though, this phrase very nearly beat out America's utter hatred for publicists, who took their own catch word into the top three.

Spokesweasel - A PR spokesman

Okay, so you don't want our help in your lives you fucking think-for-yourselfers? Great. We won't tell you what to wear, think, eat, buy, drink, drive, smoke, say, act, etc. We'll see who comes crawling back in a week.


MSNBC

P.S. - Please don't leave us. WE NEED YOU!

The Pope is a Creepy Santa
Topic: Embarrassment

Seriously, we don't call him Pope Joey Rat exclusively because of his name. Ew.


HEDONISTICA

Nearly Four DOzen Drunken Santas Rampage Through New Zealand
Topic: Embarrassment

Poor Wellington, New Zealand. A riot of 40 Santas, all drunk off their jolly asses, acted as a scourge of god Sunday in Wellington, punching security guards, throwing beer bottles and stealing from stores. The group, which was comprised of both men and women, terrorized the town, probably in a salute to hero Billy Bob Thornton, who showed the world the kind of drunken lout Santa really is in the holiday film Bad Santa.

Witnesses, surprisingly, cannot tell police which of the Santas did what, since they all pretty much look the same.


REUTERS via YAHOO! NEWS

Google's Sense of Humor, France's Embarrassment
Topic: Embarrassment

Now for more embarrassing moments with the French in three easy steps.

1.) Open up Google.com in your browser

2.) Type in "French Military Victories"

3.) Click on "I'm Feeling Lucky"

Of course, you can just click the link below, but it's funnier to do it yourself. Now enjoy the hilarity. (Thanks Jordan! - ed.)


GOOGLE

Parenting At Its Finest!
Topic: Embarrassment

Read the story that came with this photo. It's work the half-ounce pressure you'll be exerting to click your mouse. Plus, we don't want to ruin some of the greatest parenting ever with the gobbledy-gook we usually write.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Shagging Cheerleaders Just Crying, Not Shagging; Thus Ends the Best Story EVER
Topic: Embarrassment

The two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders that were arrested for allegedly having some loud sex in a nightclub's bathroom have released a statement ending perhaps one of the best news stories we've reported. Angela Keathley said that she was in the bathroom stall crying after running into an ex-boyfriend and that Renee Thomas was merely comforting her before comforting her fist into a complaining patron's face.

But this is not the end of the story for the two women, as one faces felony charges for using a fake ID, while Keathley is worried she may lose her job as a nurse. Seriously, a (possible) lesbian cheerleading nurse. Nevermind, this story is arousing again, so we'll keep you informed on all the hot shenanigans involving this case.


TAMPA TRIBUNE

Clinton on Impeachment; "Egregious Abuse" of Constitution, Interns
Topic: Embarrassment

While speaking at Hofstra University yesterday, Bill Clinton went all PR-denial crazy when Douglas Brinkley asked of his impeachment trial. What did the sex-crazed former President (who incidentally debated the meaning of the word "is" - ed.) say on the matter?

“You can agree with that statement, but only if you think impeachment was justified. Otherwise, it was an egregious abuse of the Constitution and law and history of our country.”

Ah, so NOW we have an insight. if you think the impeachment was justified, then it was cool with the Constitution. If not, then you're a douchebag of democracy. Wait, what?


MSNBC

Pennsylvania Man Sues Ex For Gluing Dick to Stomach
Topic: Embarrassment

Kenneth Slaby (interesting name, fits the "crime" - ed.) has sued his ex-girlfriend, Gaile O'Toole (okay, it's getting ridiculous now - ed.) for $30,000 for gluing his dick to his abdomen over five years ago.

After dating for 10 months in 1999, the couple broke up and went their separate ways. Slaby began dating someone else,and O'Toole turned crazy, as most women do after a breakup. Slaby accepted an invitation to come over to the woman's house, where after falling asleep, he awoke to find the nutso broad had super glued his cock 'n' balls to his stomach and used the remaining tube to fill in the crack of his ass before nail polishing naughty words on his back.

Slaby walked a mile to a gas station to use the phone and O'Toole plead guilty to misdemeanor ASSault. Funny, but mean. If she really wanted to make him miserable, she should've served him Mexican food. Can you imagine not being able to poop because your butt is glued shut? Horrid!


AP via YAHOO! NEWS