Drugged Up Dude Plays Naked Santa
Topic: Stupidity

A California man who locked himself out of his stepmother's house decided that the best way to get in was to climb up the roof, undress, and then shimmy down the chimney hanging from a goddamn cable cord.

Well, the cord broke, of course, and the man was stuck three quarters of the way down the chimney for five hours until he was pushed out by firefighters and promptly arrested for being under the influence of drugs. Now we can understand why the Middle East hates us.


MSNBC

Here Comes Easter!
Topic: Stupidity

Seriously though, be safe and have a happy Easter everyone. We're out of here early today, mostly because these are the autumn years of our mid twenties, and we have many a video game to play. Peace.

DEA Agent Sues DEA After Shooting Self in Foot; For Serious
Topic: Stupidity

DEA agent and former pro football player Lee Paige has sued the Drug Enforcement Agency for "illegally" distributing a video that shows Paige shooting himself in the foot in a demonstration to school children. Paige asserts that the video turned him into a laughing stock and finished his career in law enforcement, when perhaps he should've realized that the fact that he shot himself in the foot only moments after stating he was the only one professional enough to handle the gun probably did more to hurt his career as a DEA agent.

Paige, who writes that he was "once regarded as one of the best undercover agents, if not the best, in the DEA," points to the clip's recent airing on popular television shows and via the Internet as the reason he can no longer work undercover. He also notes that he is no longer "permitted or able to give educational motivational speeches and presentations."

Dude we would hope not. These were middle school kids and you discharged a gun mere feet away from them. If you ever even came on school property again we would want you arrested, law enforcement agent or not. You suck. And watch the video, with the sound up, to see the proof.


THE SMOKING GUN

LAPD Cracking Down on Old People Crossing Streets
Topic: Stupidity

An 82-year-old woman who was slowly crossing the street and didn't make it before the light turned green received a $114 ticket from a LAPD bike cop for obstructing traffic. It is all part of Los Angeles's "Get Out if You're Not Hot" initiative.

"I think it's completely outrageous," said the old bag, who called herself a Cherokee medicine woman. "He treated me like a 6-year-old, like I don't know what I'm doing."

The LAPD's excuse is that they're cracking down on slow walkers due to increased rates of pedestrian deaths, even though we honestly fail to see how that is the person crossing the street under the "walk" sign's fault. Maybe the bike cop should be worrying more about the speeding smug assholes in the hybrids than the old lady on the Rascal electric scooter.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Singaporean Karate Kids Can't Focus Trying to Find Japanese Kung-Fu Master
Topic: Stupidity

Three confused dudes from Singapore with terrible geography skills got lost in the mountains of Japan and had to be rescued during their search for a "legendary kung fu master" said to be living in said mountains. The prospective students didn't take into account that Japan is, in fact, big.

"Japan looked so small on the world map that we thought we would be able to find him straight away," said one of the wishful students.

That just goes to show you; America might suck at Math, but people from Singapore don't know shit about geography.

REUTERS via YAHOO! NEWS

New York Teacher Jailed for Performing "Wedgie" on Student
Topic: Stupidity

A grade school teacher in Albany has been arrested and charged after he gave a boy a "wedgie" during a summer school session. No details have come out on how or why the teacher performed this act (like, instead of an Indian rope burn or wet willy - ed.), but he's on administrative leave pending an investigation.

All we know is that this is either the best corporal punishment system we have ever heard of or a completely odd and disgusting form of pedophilia.


WNYT

Texas Police Will Arrest You For Thinking About Drinking Next...
Topic: Stupidity

How we did not hear about this, we cannot imagine. Oh yes, we were drunk, but thank god in the Uptown area of Dallas and not the D-town suburb of Irving, Texas. Irving police on Friday, March 17 (St. Patrick's Day, for all you blacker-outers - ed.) decided that if you wanted to go out for some reveling and have a good time partaking in alcoholic beverages, well your little ass is just going straight to jail.

Yes, the Dallas suburb's police department sent out undercover police to bars in search of publicly intoxicated individuals in hope of arresting them and scaring the rest of the partiers into not breaking the law. They would sit inside the bar, even with their fellow patrons they were waiting to arrest, and then make their move after they had enough evidence of intoxication.

What these dumb sons of bitches forgot was that bars, unless owned by the city, are private property, and unless the person is starting a fight, the police have no right to simply walk in and arrest someone for drinking. PRIVATE PROPERTY. NO ARRESTY IN PRIVATE PROPERTY.

Now, the Hammer of Truth, our new favorite news breakers, have let us on to this wonderful act of mercy, or whatever. So to anyone of our nearly 150,000 readers know any of the 39 people that were arrested in a private bar, pass along the word that they can sue the ever living shit out of the City of Irving Police Department, because there's nothing illegal about being over the legal limit in a bar.

As Ron White once said, "Hey, hey, hey, don't arrest me for public intoxication. I was drunk in a bar. They threw me into public, arrest them."


HAMMER OF TRUTH via SPLOID

California Man Sues Himself for Negligence!
Topic: Stupidity

There are times when every driver has done something to their car where they instantaneously thought "well that was stupid. Who's gonna pay for that?" Curtis Gokey had one of these moments.

After reversing his dump truck into his own personal pickup, Curtis did the honorable thing and decided that he shouldn't have to pay for it himself. So he sued... himself... for negligent driving. The lawsuit is technically against the city, but since he was the driver, it's against himself.

Bad news for Gokey though, as the case was thrown out for what we can guess is only "being retarded." But that has not stopped the crusader of Passing the Buck, as he now has his wife suing himself and the city for the repairs. That's not gonna happen either, which is why we give a big middle finger to the Gokey family. You two deserve each other.


MSNBC

Krispy Kreme Teams with Minor League Team to Kill You
Topic: Stupidity

Krispy Kreme fell on rough times during the Atkins craze, as stocks plummeted and America ate less and less donuts. Out of this came new inventions. KK wedding cakes. Frozen KKs in your grocery store. And now KK has teamed with MLB to create a hybrid burger/donut for one lucky minor league team.

The Gateway Grizzlies will soon being selling "Baseball's Best Burger" at all of their games. For only $4.50, you get a burger, bacon, lettuce and tomato crammed in between a Krispy Kreme donut for a bun. If this doesn't sound equally disgusting and fantastic, you're not drunk enough. The team hopes to sell between 100 and 200 of the 1,000 calorie, 45 grams of fat artery clogger each game.

If we lived in Illinois, we would be all over this. Screw cardiologists. Isn't there job to get you out of trouble, not lecture you?


ESPN

Italian PM Has BEST. FINANCIAL. ADVISE. EVER.
Topic: Stupidity

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is known for being a master businessman who is able to raise crumbled corporations out of nothing and turn them into successes. As a government leader, he finally realized he needed to help out not only the country, but the entire world by giving some complicated financial advise that would help the poverty stricken endure and come out ahead. Prepare yourself for some of the greatest money advise you have ever heard in your entire life:

"Try to earn more."

We are completely dumbstruck. This guy is brilliant!


REUTERS via YAHOO! NEWS

Streisand Shames Bush for Being "C" Student; Can't Spell Iraq
Topic: Stupidity

We here at The Heart of Darko have never claimed to be the world's best spellers. We're pretty good, if we do say so ourselves, but we're also easily distracted. But if we were an incredibly famous entertainer who has won every award conceivable in our multitude of chosen fields, we'd be sure that we got a spell checker before putting something inflammatory about someone's intelligence on the Internet.

The following list are 11 uncorrected words that Ms. "Babwa" Streisand couldn't spell before slamming Bush as a "C" student and posting her shit on the web. Here's to you, Babs! Way to win support for the little people like us... dumb broad...

Irag
curruption
dictatoriship
crediblity
Adminstration
warrented
desperatly
preceedings
ouside
subpoening
responsibilty

Now some of those we could see. She could've just missed a letter while typing or not hit the key hard enough. But some of them, like "curruption" and "warrented" are not so much like that. That's what we call "idiot" mistakes made by someone we call an "ignorant bitch."

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why Hollywood will never convince us of anything political. Bush was a "C" student. Yes, he was. So was Kerry. And with the majority of Americans being "C" students, isn't it incredibly offensive to most of us to have this privileged diva bitching about how stupid we all are? Well, suck a dick Babs. We'll take you seriously when you make an attempt at being taken seriously.


DRUDGE REPORT

Today in Drunks; A Heart of Darko Salute to Alcoholics
Topic: Stupidity

A 40-year-old Scottsdale man was found at his home with a whopping .345 blood alcohol concentration after he passed out and his 5-year-old daughter called 911. Alcohol experts (how exactly does one attain this job? - ed.) said that with this level of drink in his system, the effects were close to those of surgical anesthesia.

After coming to from his near coma amount of alcohol intake, the man might face criminal child endangerment charges, even though we find it interesting you can be charged with being TOO drunk in your own home. Granted, the only food in the house was bread and peanut butter.

But the police should be looking towards his ex-wife, who dropped their daughter off before going to Hawaii for a vacation. Of course, we can't blame her either. After spending some significantly long weeks in Scottsdale, we'd either leave for a much better place or drink ourselves into a coma too.


AZCENTRAL

Brutalize an Animal for Your Holiday Pleasure
Topic: Stupidity

As fish owners, we know pretty much nothing about the species of fish called African Cichlids. We've actually never heard of the red parrot cichlid, which apparently was created by breeding and, as a result, is completely infertile. The fish exists because humans create it.

Now, some Hong Kong's Aquaria Mall has decided to torture this tiny fish even more by laser tattooing greetings on the scales of its body. While the company swears the low intensity lasers don't pass through the fishies' scales, the laser burn is permanent.

"Firstly, we need to select the appropriate fish and use only low intensity laser beams. We only engrave on the fishes' scales, not through them. We also had concerns over the possibility of animal abuse, but to date the mortality rate has been zero. The fishes don't even bleed", spokesman Alan Lee said.

So there you have it. Grandmother sick? Get her a "Get Well Soon" abused fish. And nothing says "Happy Birthday, Sis," like a laser etched sterile fish.


SPLOID

German Stoner Goes to Cops To Help Get Money Back for Bad Drugs
Topic: Stupidity

After many attempts to try and get his money back for 200 grams of what he called "bad marijuana," a 52-year-old man was arrested by authorities in Darmstadt, Germany, for violating possession laws.

The man apparently was angry that he got shafted out of $475 (400 Euros) and was looking to get his money back from his dealer.

This is akin to robbing a bank and then calling the police to report your partner shafting you on your share of the take. Crime is crime. Haven't these people watched any Tarantino movies? Of course you're gonna get screwed. You're criminals!


REUTERS

Vampire Hunter Killed by Cops; No Word if Wesley Snipes Will Avenge His Death
Topic: Stupidity

A California man was shot and killed by police in a truly bizarre incident of underworld control. The elderly gentlemen called the police late at night after reporting that he say a group of vampires outside of his house. After police arrived, the hunter brought them inside, and for some reason attacked one officer with a knife and, no shit here, a meat fork.

The police fired two fatal shots into the man, which leads us to believe that these were not police officers at all, but familiars. These vampire lackeys will without a doubt be destroyed by Blade, who doesn't stand for vampire on human violence at all. Get em Blade!


CONTRA COSTA TIMES via SPLOID

Slut Trifecta Wins of Wal-Mart! Get Post-Drunken Tryst Birth Control Stocked
Topic: Stupidity

The three skanks from Massachusetts that we reported about a short time ago (link here - ed.) won their case against the retail monster, forcing the stores to stock the so-called "morning after" birth control pill, which we would market as "Fetus Flush" if it weren't so graphic.

The Massachusetts Board of Pharmacy ruled unanimously that the pill was common enough of a prescription to force Wal-Mart to carry it.

So now the three tramps are free to hump to their hearts' content, with only the worry of a random disease to stop their fornicating. Give us a shout ladies! Did we call you tramps? We meant to write "freedom fighters."


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

British Man Lacks Balance, Wrecks Three Priceless Vases
Topic: Stupidity

When people speak of taking a trip to the museum, they usually do not mean they're going to fall down and break expensive stuff. A London man, apparently, didn't see it this way.

"I snagged my shoelace, missed the step and 'crash bang wallop,' there was a million pieces of high quality Qing ceramics lying around beneath me," Nick Flynn told BBC radio.

Flynn broke three 17th century Chinese vases in his fall, which museum employees said they would glue back together. But don't expect to see Flynn admiring the exhibit when they're all put back together and back up on their Humpty-Dumpty wall; the director of the museum wrote him a letter asking him not to come back.

Ouch. Off to the Louvre with you! We hear they have many staircases directly in front of priceless art that are wonderful for rolling down.


REUTERS via YAHOO! NEWS

Uber-Orthodox Jewish Rabbis Are Sex Offenders
Topic: Stupidity

There's really nothing we can say except what follows is truly one of the most disturbing images we ever had go through our head. So here's what David Caruso (huh? he quit CSI: Miami? - ed.) of the Associated Press was braver than us to write:

For thousands of years, rabbis performed a simple procedure to cleanse the wound during a ritual circumcision: Like outdoorsmen treating a snake bite, they sucked blood from the cut and spit it out.

Everyone say it together:

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

We've never had anything against people of the Jewish faith. Point of fact, we had an interesting, i.e. fun, but crazy, relationship with a very, VERY sweet Jewish girl. But now we see why the Palestinians hate them. They do, in fact, suck dick. Baby dick. Bloody... baby... dick...

Honestly, we don't even care what this goddamn story was about. It could be very well written, but we just can't past the bloody baby penis sucking. That's just about the worst thing we've ever heard. Excuse us, we have to go vom now.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Trifecta of Sluts Sues Wal-Mart to Carry Morning After Pill
Topic: Stupidity

Three skankified women from Massachusetts have filed suit against Wal-Mart for failing to stock the emergency morning after birth control pill. Yeah, they sued for birth control.

However, these women don't want money to buy more shoes. And none of them are pregnant with any unwanted fetuses. All they want is to force the retail giant to stock the pill, which the company has denied to do, since they have the right to "choose not to carry many products for business reasons" and that the pills were not a "commonly prescribed" pharmaceutical drug.

The three women are arguing that state law says Wal-Mart has to carry all common pharmaceutical pills, but we have a different opinion of their motivations:

They're whores. But they're embarrassed by it. Which is why they buy their prescriptions at Wal-Mart. The pharmacist at Wal-Mart fills thousands of requests a day. Jon's Pharmacy on the corner remembers your face and name. And Jon's son is cute and you want to bang him in the back of your Honda. So you can't let his dad know that you're a tramp who doesn't use contraceptives so you carry a supply of emergency morning after pills, especially since they put those stupid rubber tips on the end of coat hangers anymore, rendering them only capable of retarding a fetus instead of killing it.

You're right. Better sue. If not for you, then for your potentially retarded orphan baby.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

The Ron Mexico Name Generator
Topic: Stupidity

Ron Mexico is one of the most powerful men in the National Football League. Wait, you don't know who Ron Mexico is? The hell you say!

That's okay, since we're going to tell you anyway. It was leaked on Deadspin a while ago that Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick is fond of checking into hotels, and venereal disease clinics, under the name Ron Mexico, so no one can figure out where the hell he is staying or whether or not Mexico really is full of crabs.

Well now you can have your own Ron Mexico name! Ours happens to be Rock Gibraltar, so we're quite pleased. Welcome this little Friday afternoon, pre-weekend diversion to your life. After all, if you can't laugh at the stupid things, then what the hell are you doing here?


RON MEXICO NAME GENERATOR

(image courtesy of DEADSPIN)