New York Judge Allows Web Surfing Worker to Keep Job; Surf Away Losers!
Topic: Technology

Do you check your email in constant concern that your boss will look in your history and see you opened that spam message about horny housewives? Or perhaps you run a blog from your work computer that has been going on strong for two years and has your name all over it.

Either way, a judge in New York said that the state government could not fire a 14-year veteran employee for surfing the Internet at work, creating a huge opening for workers to check their email to their hearts' content.

"It should be observed that the Internet has become the modern equivalent of a telephone or a daily newspaper, providing a combination of communication and information that most employees use as frequently in their personal lives as for their work."

So there you have it, Internet hounds. The Net is the same as calling a phone sex line or picking up this week's copy of Adult Video News, neither of which can get you fired as well, right? Jackass.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Robotic Boning in 2016? You Better Believe it, Computer Nerds
Topic: Technology

Women are truly wonderful creatures, with the ability to show affection in a wide range before going off on a tangent of why there is a crumb on her favorite section of the carpet. So what if you could have that affection, love and sexual energy without the crazy? How much would you pay for that.

We'd guess a lot. And sex researchers from the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction at Indiana University have predicted that sex robots with all the features of a lifelike humanoid will be on the market by 2016, meaning that finally, you can have a date for the prom.

"There is a possibility of developing erotic materials for yourself that would allow you to create a partner of certain dimensions and qualities, the partner saying certain things in that interaction, certain things happening in that interaction."

So this isn't your everyday hand-held battery operated vagina. No sir, this is a full functioning machine who's sole duty is to lie on a bed and be a receptacle for you.

Seriously, these people are screwed up. Why would anyone want to shag a robot? What's wrong with mom and pop, meat and potatoes masturbation? Jesus people. Just because you can make something doesn't mean you should.


REUTERS

Company Patronizes Old People With Large Button Cell Phone
Topic: Technology

Are you old and confused about cellular, or "mobile" phone technology? If so, then we apologize that you stumbled upon this site, because all we're going to do is make you confused and fidgety until you get your medicine. But a company named Emporia has created a cell phone just for you.

Not only does it have large, clearly marked buttons, but it also has a bulbous red emergency button on the back that is not only easily pressed while being searched for in a pill bag, but is easily programmable.

But you might ask the question "what if I forget to charge the batteries?" Well grandpa, there's a AAA battery backup system just for someone like you. So go ahead and distract yourself even further from driving your Astro van blindly down the road while trying to figure out the lid on your cup of McDonald's coffee. Now, thanks to Emporia, you can call and bitch at those ignorant kids who put the lid on too tight while careening down the freeway. Say thank you.


MOBILE BURN

Inventor of "Action Office" or "Cubcile" Apologizes for Invention From the Grave
Topic: Technology

Many famous inventors and scientists have lamented their creations only after they have been unleashed upon the world. But Robert Probst is perhaps the only to do so from the grave.

Probst, who passed away in 2000, was the inventor of the "Action Office," a movable personal workspace that allowed for flexibility in a bullpen setting, while retaining privacy and the ability to work at a self designed pace. Then corporate America figured out how easily they could take Probst's invention and use it to control whole generations of workers, stuffing them in row upon row of rectangle and sending out hall monitors to make sure no one is poking their head above their four foot high wall to get some real human interaction.

Out of Probst's ingenuity, evil was born. Evil called the Cubicle.

But now, 38 years after the invention was unleashed upon the world and six years after Probst's death, Fortune has discovered writings from which the cube's creator apologizes to the American workers, calling what happened to his invention "monolithic insanity."

So unite, Cubicle workers of America. Your master has cast off your chains from beyond the grave. He has relented, giving you the ability to look at your boss and say "give me something with a door, you prick!"


CNN MONEY via SPLOID

Keep on Slinging Your Crackberry!
Topic: Technology

Because a nice settlement just said sure why not allow the Blackberry community to keep their gatekeepers to the modern world, we're adding a new topic to our list; technology.

In case that was too confusing, we'll put it easily: Research in Motion (RIM) agreed to pay NTP (not National Tire & Battery) $612.5 million to continue to use their technology to power millions of American's wholly addictive Blackberrys (i.e. Crackberrys). This avoids an injunction that would've shut down the Blackberry service, leaving millions of businessmen/women and politicians having to pick up a normal phone while trying to use an archaic tool called a "computer."

So rejoice, technogeeks, because you can keep your tool. We ditched ours a mere year after we purchased it because it had occurred to us that we had not had human contact or moved from the toilet seat in three straight days and our legs had begun to atrophy while our ass began conforming to the bowl. Good times.


MSNBC