EXCLUSIVE! Mav's Coach Avery Johnson to Get NBA Coach of the Year Award!!!
Topic: Sports

BREAKING! WE GOT IT FIRST!

Well, probably not first. A source close the Dallas Mavericks told us this morning that Mavs coach Avery "The Little General" Johnson will receive the NBA's Coach of the Year Award for the 2005-2006 season. Johnson has led the Mavericks to a team-tying 60-22 record in the season and straight into the playoffs for championship contention.

Way to go Avery! And go Mavs, game two against the Memphis Grizzlies tonight!

The Diabolical Duke Rape Case Gets Indictments! Hooray!
Topic: Sports

The weird case of the alleged rape by the Duke University lacrosse team is getting stranger by the day, as the grand jury convened today and handed down sealed indictments (81 in total... wow - ed.) and the victim picked two of the three boys out from photographs 100% of the time and the third 90% of the time. But, remember, she did dance for them before they allegedly raped her.

But that's all normal for such a case. Here's where it gets weird. After the assault occurred, a women who was later discovered to be her co-dancer who also went to the lacrosse team's house and wasn't raped stopped in a Kroger parking lot for help. The hospital and police station were much closer to the site of the "assault" and the driver claimed that she just picked up the victim on the side of the road.

The security guard who called 911 from Kroger said that they woman in the passenger seat seemed high and was passed out, while the driver smelled of alcohol. He was quoted as saying that there was no way the passenger was raped or assaulted.

So what happened? The victim's fellow stripper who went with her to the lacrosse party isn't admitting to shit, and at first didn't even admit that she knew the victim. Then she took her to a Kroger instead of the police station or hospital, even though it was way out of the way. Plus, they were both on something, be it drugs or alcohol. And there was no DNA evidence from anyone on the lacrosse team anywhere on the victim.

Just what the hell is going on here? Sometimes we wish justice were instant, like in Batman movies. Because man, that would kick so much ass.


ABCNEWS

The Ever-Present Duke Lacrosse Team Scandal
Topic: Sports

We hate the collegiate institute that is Duke University. Not because everyone there is usually smart, or wealthy, or an ex-girlfriend of ours. No, no. It's because they think they're better than every other person in the world. Guess not assholes.

However, new evidence in the stripper/rape/lacrosse team case might exonerate the whole lot of them and show that public hysteria is the reason a student athlete was suspended, the team's season was canceled and their coach resigned. So here's the bracing evidence... wait for it...

DNA evidence just released proved that there was no match on the woman with anybody on the Duke men's lacrosse team.

Yeah. So after today's earlier announcement showing a timestamped photo of the woman already bearing the injuries she said she incurred inside the building where she supposedly raped, before the rape supposedly occurred, and now this evidence, it might not bode well for her case.

Oh yes, and there's also the woman's criminal past. Now while we don't rush to judgment and have in fact met some very nice girls that were exotic dancers and have even had some brushes with the law, this is just... damn. We're going to use the Associated Press's words because they did a hell of great job describing what she got pinched for.

The alleged victim stole the taxi of a man to whom she was giving a lap dance at a Durham strip club. Court records say she led a sheriff’s deputy on a winding chase at up to 70 mph, and tried to run him down as he approached the cab.

She pleaded guilty to misdemeanor counts of larceny, speeding to elude arrest, assault on a government official and driving while impaired, and spent some weekends in jail.

Yeah, that's right. Damn.


MSNBC

P.S. - Laugh at our owl. LAUGH!

Terrell Owens and America's Team: A Heart of Darko Opinion Column
Topic: Sports

This past weekend was an exciting one for sports fans. The NCAA tournament went full swing in its first weekend, as multiple first round matches took out some of the top seeded teams and completely ruined our brackets. But besides this massive spectacle coming to Dallas and entertaining us for three straight days, another issue has gotten stuck in our craw.

Terrell Owens is coming to the Dallas Cowboys.

As loyal Cowboys fans, we hate the Philadelphia Eagles. We bounced up and down giddily on our couch last year as we watched them implode, taking out their Superbowl chances and leaving the team in utter ruins. And it was T.O. and his massive ego that brought it all down.

And now he is with our team. And we say welcome. Because he MUST be on his best behavior now. His contract allows the team to kick him off whenever they feel like it. He's already been charged with he decimation of an excellent football program, and fans from across the nation hate his arrogant ass. So we can at least expect one good year out of him before he opens his mouth.

After all, we respect the talent, not the attitude. Talent brought T.O. to Dallas, because that's what he has. He has the innate ability to not only take his opponent's entire defense with him, but he'll still make the play, and that's rare in the NFL.

So welcome to Dallas Terrell Owens. Hopefully you'll have a long career here as a man who can work with America's team. Bring us a championship and you'll always be remembered and loved. Destroy us from the inside and you might not make it out alive.

Cowboys Cut Keyshawn! Making Room for T.O.?
Topic: Sports

Today, mere moments after Terrell Owens was cut from the Eagles, our team, the Dallas Cowboys, cut veteran receiver and Bill Parcells favorite Keyshawn Johnson. KJ, who was only scheduled to make about $1.5 million this year, seemed to be a contender for hothead had T.O. made it to Dallas, which now seems like a complete possibility.

With Terry Glenn aging rapidly and KJ gone, the Cows now need a second big receiver to help out the struggling core, which was decimated by injuries in the second half of the season.

Oh yeah, and a backup QB. The Cows need one of those too. We don't trust Drew Bledsoe for a second good season, especially after his travails at the end of last season.


FOX SPORTS

Many NFL Veterans Already Victims on "Bloody Thursday"
Topic: Sports

Because they have their "best interest's at heart," the NFL player's union rejected the final salary cap proposal given today by the owner's union, thus throwing many of their revered and celebrated veteran football players under the wheels of a speeding bus because they wanted more mediation money.

And to make matters worse, players are calling all sorts of media outlets saying that they didn't even know anything about the negotiations failing until Tuesday evening when it was officially announced. Oops.

Some possible victims before the slaughter is over could be as big as future Hall of Famer Brett Favre and shitty NY Jets quarterback Chad Pennington. Our team (and America's Team - ed.), the Cowboys, have already cut Pro Bowl lineman La'Roi Glover to make room under the salary cap restrictions.

So go to the link below to learn more about what's going on and how the cap works, and pray for your favorite players and their jobs on what is now known as Bloody Thursday.


FOX SPORTS

Just Because It's Stupid, We Give You "The Flamboyant Referee"
Topic: Sports

Thanks to Will Leitch and all the guys at Deadspin for this nice video of the most flamboyant soccer referee ever. We'd imagine it would be rather hard to play a game with this guy on the field. Just watch and laugh.

Winter Olympics 2006; A Grand and Awful Ending
Topic: Sports

Torino was a wonderful host city to athletes from across the world. They kept their bars open late for drunkards like Bode Miller and gave out large baskets of free Olympic-themed condoms (note to porn industry; why no Olympic pornos? that's a huge international audience you're missing. we call dibs! if you make one, it was our idea and we want royalties! - ed.).

But just as the oddly surreal opening ceremonies kicked off the weird stories of the following two weeks, the closing ceremonies ended in a loud thud. Designed to be more high energy, by herding the athletes in and out quickly and getting to the performances of the international acts.

Somehow, though, in between the dudes with their heads on fire, the Vancouver mayor waving the flag from his wheel chair (awesome, by the way - ed.) and the hundreds of Nordic chicks with torches, we found the ceremonies incredibly boring. Then Avril Lavigne came on board to warble and cause us to almost drink a bullet cocktail.

Terrible performances. Just... ugh. Ricky Martin? Did Mexico even have a Winter Olympics team? We never even made it through to the end. After watching probably 70% of the coverage shown, including the replays of the hockey games from the middle of the day, we couldn't face the closing ceremonies all the way through. It was goddamn painful. Hopefully Vancouver will realize this in 2010, and instead of having awful musical acts while dudes with fire ponytails short track skate in circles, Canada will get some of its native born daughters like Pamela Anderson and Elisha Cuthbert to wrestle each other in frigid water for three hours. Now that we would watch.

Adios Olympic games. See you in Beijing in 2008.

2006 Olympic Watch! Back From the Grave
Topic: Sports

Curling, the combination of janitorial services, shuffleboard and horseshoes that is taking the winter Olympics by storm, is probably one of the greatest, most ridiculous sports in the world. But damned if the Scandinavian folks in the north part of the United States didn't take it seriously.

And the U.S. men's team just won bronze, beating out Britain 8-6. Just wanted to pass that along, since you never see curling in prime time, because the half naked pixies are just too damn provocative on the ice. Okay, seriously, maybe one more figure skating mention will come out of us. The exhibition is tonight, so after that, it's all done and we can go back to lusting over inappropriately aged actresses.

Congratulations American Curling Team! You swept your rocks into our hearts! Or something.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

2006 Olympic Watch! The End is Near...
Topic: Sports

We have a mere two days of games remaining before the Olympic flame is extinguished again for another four years. Now we get what you're saying: "James, what the hell do you mean? The summer Olympics will be held in 2008, right?"

That's right, but you're stupid and the summer games suck when compared to the winter games, so shut your stupid hole. Okay, they're not that bad, but they don't have half naked tiny 22-year-old girls throwing their hot selves around an ice rink for our viewing pleasure, so they'll never even come close to being as kick ass as the Winter Olympics.

Now look away if you don't want to see one of tonight's results that just occurred:

SASHA COHEN YOU BROKE OUR HEART!

Our fragile, fragile heart! How could you fall? TWICE? You're the "Sexy Gypsy!" You're better than that. But you got the Silver medal. Congratulations. You're adorable, have the flexibility of Gumby and are just a hair less gorgeous than ice skating teammate Tanith Belben. We'll let it slide, only because you got beaten by the Japanese.

Which allows us to say congratulations to the Japanese, who with the Gold medal in figure skating finally got their first medal of the 2006 Winter Olympics. Yeah. Wow.

So figure skating is done for the Olympics. America got two medals; one in Ice Dancing and one in Women's Individual. Johnny Weir flamed it up and then blew out (i can't tell whether that's a double entendre or not. good show sir! - ed. and thank you. i try.). The USA Pairs team SUCKED. Our two teenage girls got sixth and seventh, so jolly good for them. You can see them jail bait it up tonight on NBC.


NBC OLYMPICS

P.S. - And yes, we're aware we just said we watched figure skating. But think about it: hot, young, white girl ass flying through the air in flesh-colored tunics contorting their bodies in ways that make porn stars jealous. That's what we thought. Shut up.

2006 Olympic Watch!
Topic: Sports

We don't care if you really watch the Olympics or not. We do. Every shitty event.

We couldn't give a fart about two man bobsled. But we watched in anticipation at every hundredth of a second that ticked away. Ice Dancing? We thought it was a joke, but now chicks are falling left and right, teams are quitting due to pain and we've only got one more night. And Bode Miller. Well, he's a jackass who's 0-4 with only one event left, but we bet he knows how to party. We were drunk along with him during his screw ups this past week.

America is currently tied with Canada for fourth in the medal count with 14 as of right now. What's interesting is that even though Norway is second with 17, they only have two gold medals. We've got 7, which is a tie for the lead.

So watch your Olympics tonight folks! It's the Ice Dancing medal round, with Americans Tanith Bilben and Ben Agosto currently in second. And she is G O R G E O U S.


MY WAY NEWS

Russian Olympic Alpine Sniper Kicked Out of Games! Loses Medal!
Topic: Sports

The first Olympic scandal broke this morning, as Biathlon silver medalist Olga Pyleva lost her medal and future chances to compete in the Torino games after she tested positive for the banned stimulant carphedon, which the head of the Russian Anti-Doping Committee said that Pyleva received the substance in a pain medicine she got after seeing a doctor.

So congratulations go out to Olga Pyleva, who was the first, and so far only, person caught out of 380 tests so far. Your name might be marred, but console yourself with the thought that no one will remember who the hell you are by Saturday.


YAHOO! SPORTS

24-Year-Old Guy Bowls Three 300 Games in a Row! Needs to Get a Life!
Topic: Sports

Our big congratulations go out to Lonnie Billiter Jr of Colerain Township, Ohio, who pulled three perfect games in a row out of his ass. That's 36 straight strikes folks.

"It was never something I ever thought about doing, never even dreamed it," the still-shaking Billiter said. "I'm still not settled down yet. I'm just in a daze."

A crowd surrounded Billiter during the middle of the third game, and the current Ohio record holder came to watch his mark in the history books fall.

Our only question is, if three strikes in a row is called a "turkey," then are three 300 games in a row called a "super-turkey," "uber-turkey" or "areyousureyoureallywannatrytoplayme-turkey?"


SPLOID

The Olympic Update; America... Number 2?
Topic: Sports

We know that other countries excel at the Olympic Winter Games, especially in places like Finland and Norway, where our NFL is their... K125 ski jumping. But America has fallen behind in the medal count early int he games, with the Norwegians taking the lead.

The full medal count is over at Yahoo! Sports. We just wanted to give this to you before we get entirely into the VEEP Cheney trying to blow away a friend on a quail hunting trip.

YAHOO! SPORTS

2006 Olympics! The Heart of Darko Party!
Topic: Sports

The 2006 Olympics are in full swing, and as major winter Olympics fans, we've been watching all weekend. Despite everything that goes on during the years between games, the world comes together in sport, to join hands and watch as AMERICA KICKS ASS.

Event hough Michelle Kwan left this morning from the figure skating competition, she was replaced by an heir apparent for American Olympic sports, as Shaun White won the half pipe snowboarding competition tonight, about six minutes ago (well, six minutes ago American time - ed.). Danny Kass came in second, but we didn't sweep for a second Olympics in a row.

As someone who has skied once but loves the snow and is jealous of the northeast right now as they get 21+ inches of snow, we give props to White and Kass. Way to go guys. You deserve it. If there were an Olympics based on drinking and smoking, we'd be gold medalists right there with You.

All of us at Heart of Darko salute you, and we'll continue to watch until the flame is extinguished.

Peace folks.

Wayne Gretzky, the FBI and the Great Gambling Operation of 2006
Topic: Sports

Is The Great One, Wayne Gretzky, currently coach of his beloved Phoenix Coyotes (we made that up - ed.), involved in a national gambling ring? Federal wire taps may say yes, even though Gretzky came out yesterday and said he knew nothing of it. The FBI has his voice on tape discussing it.

Whoops.

Now his wife, Janet Jones, is not the only one in trouble. Over $1.7 million has been bet through the ring in the past six weeks, including Jones' $500,000 tab. The Great One had not made a bet through the syndicate, but it appears that he certainly knew about it.

So now the question is whether or not Gretzky will turn into the Pete Rose of hockey. Perhaps, because he was the best player to ever grace the NHL, he will be spared. Or maybe his head will hit the chopping block. Whichever it is, it's going to be fun to follow. Or sad, depending on how much you watch hockey. Personally, we're curling fans.


FOX SPORTS

Superbowl XL Earns Biggest Ratings Since 1996; Fallout Continues
Topic: Sports

Despite having two of the worst quarterback performances in recent years, Superbowl XL seems to still have posted the largest ratings for the championship game since the Steelers last appeared in the big game, way back in 1996. In that fateful game, they lost to the Dallas Cowboys. Ha. Ha.

It appears that 90.7 million people tuned in, according to preliminary reports. The largest group watching was Pittsburgh, followed closely by Seattle. 141.1 million of you watched at least some part of the game, so ABC got their money's worth. Hopefully Diet Pepsi, with their overtly racial "Brown & Bubbley" campaign, did not.

Grey's Anatomy, the medical "drama" that followed, was watched by 35 million people, making it the most watched non-sporting event program this year, beating ever the craptacular whippings of American Idol. It's just too bad that GA kind of sucked. Way to be entertained America. First Desperate Housewives, now this. *sigh*


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

The Heart of Darko Superbowl Party!
Topic: Sports

We love football. No shame in that, unless you're talking about the Canadian Football League. Then you're nothing but a sad, wimpy hoser.

So the Heart of Darko Superbowl XL party is in full swing. We have a fridge full of cheap beer and a beef pot roast stew in the oven, since there's nothing manlier than stew. Except for stabbing a guy. That's pretty manly too.

As a Dallas Cowboys fan, we hate anyone in the NFC that does better than the Cows. So we're rooting for the Steelers. We also liked the Ben Rothlesberger "Drink Like a Champion" photos, so that's just a bonus for us. So we say go Steelers! Kick the crap out of the Seahawks and bring a championship back from the Motor City. Your bullet-laden fans are waiting for the Lombardi trophy.

Have fun and be safe today everyone. And no burning cars! We're not French!

HO-LY CRAP. Biggest. Boxer. Ever.
Topic: Sports

The Nintendo generation, especially the guys, remembers Mike Tyson's Punch Out, a great game where you fought some of the most outlandish characters ever to inhabit a boxing game. Current World Boxing Association champion Nikolay Valuev would fit perfectly in that game.

The picture up to the right and enlarged on the LA TIMES' page is of Valuev fighting John Ruiz, who is himself no tiny man. Valuev dwarfs him. DWARFS HIM. We don't even care if that's proper English. He just goddamn dwarfs him.

Valuev is a massive seven feet tall. Good luck super heavyweight class boxers. As boxing fans who used to get in the amateur ring during our pre-Parliament Light days, we feel comfortable saying this: you stand no chance, unless you figure out how to make him have a heart attack. The guys pulmonary must be the size of a cantaloupe.


LA TIMES

Seton Hall B-Ball Player Apparently Still in Seventh Grade
Topic: Sports

Dude at Seton Hall University gets the rock in a basketball game against Saint John's. He drives. He scores! Fuck!

Wrong basket.

Freshman Paul Gause was just excited, we guess. Either that or hadn't played basketball since junior high. Regardless, he made up for it by hitting the tying shot at the buzzer to give Seton Hall the opportunity to lose to St. John's in overtime. Oops.


FOX SPORTS