Katie Couric Officially Announces Her Legs Are Leaving NBC
Topic: Media

Not that this is of any consequence or news value since we saw Ms. Couric making the announcement three hours ago, but Katie Couric has informed the entire country, nay, the world, that she is leaving Today and NBC in May and will be anchoring the CBS Evening News as well as appearing on 60 Minutes. And now for our thoughts.

Great. Truly, utterly, completely and sarcastically fantastic. Nice to know that experience as a journalist gets you fired/demoted, while being able to be perky and tan and talk to people about dog shirts at 5 AM gets you a $61 million contract to read news.

It the hiring groundbreaking? Of course it is. Couric will be the first female anchor. Will we watch her? Of course not. Her legs will be hidden beneath a desk. Bad move on CBS's part, if you ask us.


MSNBC

Katie Couric's Legs to Anchor CBS News?
Topic: Media
Is Katie Couric bringing her ever present legs to the CBS Evening News? Yes, says TV Week, and for a substantial sum. Her new $61 million contract (or something like that, we don't know or care because we're jealous - ed.) would end her 15 year run with the number one morning talk show in the country, meaning that she would be turning her back on her loyal network and moving to The Dan Rather Chair. You can find more at the link below. Excuse us, but we have to find every television possible and delete CBS from the directory, since we'll never be watching that channel again.

DRUDGE REPORT

NBC White House Correspondent and Today Show Seat Filler Calls Imus Radio Show While Drunk
Topic: Media

Oh David Gregory, you madman of NBC. Besides being a massive chop dick who is so obviously in love with Katie Couric that you should just lick her the next time you fill on for Matt Lauer on Today, you're also notable for being the White House correspondent for NBC who called Scotty McClellan a jerk after you attacked him on not knowing the answer to one of your questions.

So what have you done now to make it to the pages of Heart of Darko? You called Don Imus's radio show... while you were drunk. Dude, the show's on at 5:00 in the morning. We hope that you were in the back of a limo with some strippers on your way home from the China Club, because if you were just drunk in the morning for no reason, you've got a problem bub.

GREGORY: i was -- remember that movie "Arthur" with Dudley Moore where he just thinks funny things and that's what was going on. If i could find this sheet, actually i just found it. Anyway.

IMUS: You have any news? [Laughter]

IMUS: we got to go, we'll get back to you.

GREGORY: I'm sorry.

IMUS: That's all right.

IMUS: Well, call us back will you?

GREGORY: Anyway. There are serious things going on here which i know you're very interested in.

IMUS: We don't have any time for them now. Quickly.

GREGORY: Big deal between India and the United States. The upshot is we're going to provide nuclear know-how and fuel to India which they need for their economy to grow. But since they never signed the nonproliferation treaty it's a real turn around and critics worry that it sends the wrong message to other parts of the world.

IMUS: Ok.

GREGORY: I would add, i would add that this is how you say thank you.

IMUS: What is it again?

[Speaking foreign language]

IMUS: Well that's great. But we have to go. It's always nice to hear from you.

GREGORY: I'll call you after dinner.

IMUS: NBC Chief White House correspondent from New Delhi, India. Clearly drunk.


DRUDGE REPORT

U.S. Media Gets Massive Erection Waiting for Iraq Civil War; A Heart of Darko Opinion Column
Topic: Media

The first rule of journalism that we were taught in our very first writing class was "If it bleeds, it leads." This mindset has fallen by the wayside in the 24-hour news cycle, with this level of awfulness and violence unable to continue to be sustain an entire day of news.

Now the day has come where the media is licking its lips, waiting to be able to take their journalistic erections and swing them at President, whom they all believe to be the most evil man in the country, because that's what their journalism professors told them to think. Trust us - we know first hand.

Before you say "this is a bunch of crap, shut up right-winger," know that we think Bush screwed up in Iraq big time and has done so pretty much since being elected to his second term. All in all, he has made things worse. But the man is looking for help and support, and constantly attacking him over petty, obviously racist crap like the ports deal is nothing but taking a hypocritical advantage of a situation. Yes, we're looking at you, Democrats.

If a civil war erupts in Iraq, who will be pleased? Bush? Of course not. We can tell you who, and in what order:

1.) Bin Laden
2.) Al Qaeda
3.) Insurgents
4.) Media

This is a holy war for the media, where they can scrutinize our government until the blood vessels in their eyes burst. Because what will happen? American soldiers will die. And the 24-hour-news cycle will have its blood.

It reminds us of 2004 during the Presidential election, when John Kerry said that Bush would instantly start a draft as soon as he was elected. The leftist hawks screamed this for months, and no one on the right gave a damn. Bush won, no draft.

The far left (we mean Al Franken, Sen. Kerry, Sen. Kennedy far left - ed.) is once again screaming Iraqi civil war, doing nothing but helping the attacks become even more violent. After all, anyone with a phone line can get the online copy of the New York Times. And the American media is listening... because their professors told them who to listen to.

Trust us - we know first hand.


MSNBC

Bob "Douchebag of Liberty" Novak Leaving CNN for FOX NEWS; No One is Shocked
Topic: Media

Robert Novak, that glorious vaginal hair who outed Valerie Plame before shrugging his shoulders as if saying "feh," who most recently walked off of a CNN set and was thusly suspended, has just announced that after his contract is up with the 24 hours news station, he will in fact take his circus act of douchery to FOX NEWS.

Did this honestly surprise anyone? We like FOX NEWS better than CNN. It doesn't insult us as much. But CNN is about as liberal a news organization as they come, and FOX just suits Novak's form of slobbering idiocy better.

So good luck Robert! Maybe you can out someone important over there too. *cough, Tom Cruise, cough*


TVNEWSER via MEDIA BISTRO

Judy Miller Quits NY Times! Oh Noes! Who Will We Make Fun of in the Media? Oh Yeah, Everyone Else
Topic: Media

Judy Miller, the reporter jailed for 85 days for not releasing her sources during the early days of Plamegate, has retired after 28 years at the paper. Perhaps the reasons regarding her leaving were that she was going to be fired, especially after some nasty emails began to circulate from her bosses on down.

Maybe it was because she got a massive book deal and six figure speaking engagements. Or just maybe she wanted some time away to find a man to grow old with.

Yeah, we're guessing the second one too.


MSNBC

Aaron Brown Out at CNN! No Good Reason Why!
Topic: Media

Veteran journalist and anchor Aaron Brown has been given the heave-ho from CNN, radically changing, yet again, the way the organization is structured. What follows is the bullshit letter from Joe Klein to CNN staffers as to why Brown has "left."

To: All CNN Staff

From: Jon Klein

We have made some programming decisions which will impact our prime time schedule as well as our colleague Aaron Brown. Aaron will be leaving CNN and is very much looking forward to some well-deserved time off with his family.

Aaron has made enormous contributions to CNN since his groundbreaking anchoring of Sept. 11th through the war in Iraq to the Tsunami to the recent hurricanes. Outside of the big stories, on a nightly basis, Aaron has provided our audiences with insight into the events of the United States and the world with eloquence and the highest journalist integrity.

Besides his stellar work as an anchor, Aaron stands as an absolutely brilliant writer, evident by the thoughtful perspective he injects into every story he touches.

Personally, I will miss Aaron and his wicked sense of humor. We cannot thank Aaron enough for the skills and professionalism he brought to CNN. Given his respect throughout the industry, there is no question that he will be missed.

No word on whether or not MSNBC has offered him a "large boat" full of money to help give them another reason to drop Chris Matthews and his annoying "speak-yell" way of talking from their lineup.


DRUDGE REPORT

P.S. - And we apologize for all the air quotes used in this piece, but we had a lot of "sarcasm" to get out.

New York Times Profits Drop 52%! We Laugh.
Topic: Media

The New York Times announced today that their profits dropped a whopping 52% from the third quarter of last year, leading us to point and laugh. That's all we're going to say on this issue. The story's posted below if you want to read their flimsy-ass excuse. But if you're like us, you'll just want to point your finger and say, "Eat that, New York Times. Eat that. Does that taste good over your girly mouth? We bet it does."


MARKET WATCH

Shield Law Sponsor Turns Prick; Bloggers "Probably Not" Journalists
Topic: Media

Senator Richard Lugar, the sponsor of the proposed Shield Law, which would, in essence, protect freedom of the press while licensing journalists, has recently made statements saying that most bloggers would not fall under the protection of the shield law. However, after looking at the terms of the first draft of the Free Flow of Information Act of 2005, there's no reason to see why this wouldn't cover our pitiful kind.

From the draft:

"covered person" protected by the bill's terms includes "any entity that disseminates information by print, broadcast, cable, satellite, mechanical, photographic, electronic, or other means and that publishes a newspaper, book, magazine, or other periodical in print or electronic form; operates a radio or television station (or network of such stations), cable system, or satellite carrier, or channel or programming service for any such station, network, system, or carrier; or operates a news agency or wire service." The legislation also covers employees, contractors or other persons who "gathers, edits, photographs, records, prepares, or disseminates news or information for any such entity."

Not that you read all of that. Shit, we didn't read all of that and we're writing about it. So pretty much, our reporting of this fact to you, the readers that otherwise would not have checked their email box to notice this had been forwarded to them, is not in itself journalistically protected. Therefore if we said something to the effect of licensing journalists is the first step to a socialist society and Richard Lugar blows goats, we would be in pretty big trouble with the government. Thank god we didn't say that. Oh crap...


EDITOR & PUBLISHER

Judith Miller Comes Home
Topic: Media

Everyone's favorite jailed, lip-zipping reporter, Judy Miller of The New York Times, is finally able to come home... and by home, apparently Bill Keller means "the office." What a dick.

To: NYT
Subject: MESSAGE FROM BILL KELLER
09/30/2005 02:20 PM

Judy Miller is deeply grateful to all the people on the staff for their support during her time in jail. She’s eager to come in and say so personally — but we’ve ordered her to take the weekend off.

We expect her to come into the newsroom on Monday afternoon to give her personal thanks.

Bill


GAWKER

Slate's Timothy Noah Doesn't TRY to Hide Hate for Bush
Topic: Media

What is one to do when one writes for an obvious left-leaning Internet magazine sponsored originally by Microsoft before a recent sale to the Washington Post when there is no new stories that one can write about regarding the problems in New Orleans that have not already been reported a million times on cable news networks? Why, you attack the President (whom you obviously hate yet continually fail to admit it) with something that was published in 18-fucking-32.

Slate's Timothy Noah has written in his Chatterbox column that Bush was aware that the levees in New Orleans would break because of an article that Noah undoubtedly had to pay (or ridicule) some low-ranking intern to Google until they found that was published in, we shit you not, Domestic Manners of the Americans, by Fanny Trollope (the FAMOUS Fanny Trollope - ed.). The point of the article was that the levees were not designed to withhold Mother Nature.

This is President Bush's fault, according to Noah, who previously said that "I don't think anyone anticipated the breach of the levees." So what is the point of our reporting? The point is that we have always thought that, while smart, Noah was a shameless socialist, we are now certain of it, and we are going to continue to read and report on his ridiculous column every week until he or a representative sends us notice to "please stop making fun of our client."

Timothy Noah, this is for you; you are one dumb son of a bitch who only seems to exist to prove that there is no need to have intelligent thoughts as long as you can spit your venom towards the object of your hate, which in your case is anyone who thinks more conservative than you. However, socialists are pretty much the farthest left you can be, so it must suck for you to hate everyone... douchebag.


SLATE

CNN Honcho Mocks Fox News' "Nonsense Coverage," Despite Less than Stellar Ratings
Topic: Media

CNN President Jonathan Klein has hit out at FOXNEWS' continuing coverage of the disappearance of Natalee Halloway in Aruba in an upcoming New York Times story, calling the constant updates "meaningless nonsense." His statement included the following;

"Fourteen Americans dead, and they have Natalee Holloway on. And they're supposedly America's news channel. There are an awful lot of things you can cover if you don't have people tied up with this meaningless nonsense."

We're surprised Rupert Murdoch didn't go after Klein personally and attempt to choke him out with a strap-on for his comments. Instead, he left that to FOXNEWS spokesman Irena Briganti.

"If Jon performed as well as he talks, he wouldn't have to explain his network's dismal ratings. We have trounced him on every breaking news story from the London bombings and last week's events in Gaza."

Even though we will continue to dislike FOXNEWS for their persistent non-firing of Shepard Smith, she has a point. No amount of bitching will get you ratings. Getting rid of Anderson Cooper's pompous, grey-haired ass will.


DRUDGE REPORT