Scotland, And Its Many Pubs, Awaits Us!
Topic: Housekeeping

We have never taken a vacation since getting out of college. Not once. A day at Christmas and Thanksgiving perhaps, but not a real honest to goodness vacation. Now that we move into our late 20s at the end of this week, we figured it would be a good time to visit the merry old country of Scotland and take in the cool air, green fields, castles, smoke and ale.

We will see you folks when we get back, and keep the place warm for us. Scotland is free!

A New Day in Heart of Darko History
Topic: Housekeeping

Yes, we have officially broken into a new day and are using Qumana, as you can see below, to assist with our post editing.  Instead of using Tripod's semi-outdated (okay, very outdated - ed.) interface, we get to use a browser that looks like Microsoft Word, which helps those of us who usually just bang on a set of keys until the right things come out, like one of Shakespeare's monkeys.

So now we will be able to do greater ad support, make more money, and hopefully recoup our hosting costs.  That and it's going to make it easier to post remotely and from multiple computers and such.

So bear with us if any problems arrive, and maybe you might see an extra sponsor or two, but that's because Qads is helping with our sponsorship issues.  If you would like to be a sponsor, we not have the capability to get this done, so just let us know.  We're cheap and popular.

Powered by Qumana

We're Back! And Continental Airlines SUCKS
Topic: Housekeeping

After a semi-enjoyable work trip to West Palm Beach, Fla., we've returned to Texas where we soon realized it was hotter than two rats humping in a wool sock as soon as we stepped outside of the terminal. The following story is in regard to why Continental is the worst airline we have ever traveled on. A time line is included to show why our anger level rose so high.

2:00AM EST: We arrive back in the Hampton Inn in Wellington, Fla., which is an incredibly nice establishment. Brand new, lots of horse paintings, and the world's weirdest statue garden outside of the window that made it appear that the hotel was being attacked by giant ants and headless dogs that have been speared by twelve foot poles. Then the time changes to 3:00AM. Goddamn daylight savings time.

3:30AM EST: After packing and down two beers, we fall sleep.

4:30AM EST: The bastard alarm wakes us up and we groggily get up, down a bottle of water and head downstairs, leaving our toiletries in the bathroom because of our one hour of sleep.

5:30AM EST: After dropping off the rental car, we load on the bus and head to the terminal.

6:30AM EST: The plane loads on time and everything is set to go. Airport security wasn't bad and there was an entire team of hot college chicks on the flight sitting around us who complimented us on our Chuck Taylors. Not a bad start to a trip.

8:32AM CST: We arrive in Houston and bust ass across the airport because our connecting flight on Continental Express leaves at 9:15AM.

Here's where things go shitwire.

8:45AM CST: The airline says there is a mechanical problem and they need thirty minutes to fix it, pushing back our departure time. We say okay and go find some yogurt.

9:15AM CST: The airline says they need thirty more minutes. Perturbed, but fine with that, we sit down.

9:45AM CST: Our flight changes gates. We take off before they decide to leave without us.

10:15AM CST: It didn't really change gates. They screwed up. The bald fatty at the original gate responds to our inquiry about the status of our flight with the following response: "It's ready when it's ready." We get pissed at the rudeness.

10:30AM CST: They announce another 30 minute delay because they don't have a part to fix... the wing. By the way, this is when we were supposed to originally land in Dallas. Bitches.

10:35AM CST: We head to the ticket counter to see if we can switch to a different flight, since two more flights for Dallas have already taken off. These flights were supposed to have departed after ours. The woman behind the ticket counter rudely tells us that if we want to get to Dallas faster, we should rent a car. We spit our some four letter words in a rather obnoxious tone and storm off to vent to our mother.

11:00AM CST: The airline announces that we'll be boarding soon. Rather than keeping four other flights an extra fifteen minutes, they make us wait for 30 more and load them first. Our anger grows.

11:30AM CST: We board the plane next to a nice young woman who's boyfriend has just departed for Iraq. She has the cutest son in the world who we tickle throughout the flight. Her kid loves us. The flight is delayed in departure by twenty minutes because they have a mechanical problem on the new plane.

12:30PM CST: Homeland security tells our pilot that our plane was too high in the air during descent and we have to circle for fifteen minutes while they get new clearance. Bitches.

12:45PM CST: We land, pick up our bags, and realize that our lighter has no fluid. No on-the-way-home smoke for us. It's approximately 100 degrees in the parking garage. We also pay $112 to get our car out of the airport. Bitches.

1:15PM CST: We get home, three hours later than we were supposed to have because Continental Airlines has the rudest, most incompetent employees on the face of the Earth.

This airline sucks. Not only did they not even come close to getting our flight in on time, but they didn't care, were very impatient and rude with us, and then made jokes about it in flight. Fuck Continental Express. It is now our life's work to take away every single one of their customers that we possibly can.

But we're home now and about to go to sleep, with visions of an angry bitch-slapping of every Continental employee dancing through our heads.

CLIFF NOTES VERSION: Continental Airlines royally screwed our flight home. They should change their name to Fuckstick Airlines. We've had one hour of sleep in 48 hours and are going to bed. Good night, and see you tomorrow afternoon.

We're Off to the Land of Old People and Baseball-sized Mosquitos
Topic: Housekeeping

Good morning dear children. We have a confession to make: this is not our only job. No, in fact, we're leaving tomorrow morning at 3:30 a.m. to travel to the land of old people and limited Internet access known as Florida, where we will be working 18 hour days in the hope that we continue to receive a paycheck.

Be back next Monday. Until then, please visit our fine links to the left for all of your information and entertainment needs, and we'll see you next Monday.

Arterial Blockage: Heart of Darko Housekeeping
Topic: Housekeeping

We can't imagine what the hell is going on with the site this morning, but whatever it is, trying to get it to load is akin to attempting to push five pounds of sausage through a keyhole. Hopefully we'll have it fixed soon and will be able to post something. If not, we'll be breaking a computer down and shooting a hard drive.

Bear with us, or go fight a bear.

Your HoD Weekend To-Do Guide
Topic: Housekeeping

FRIDAY: Drink up bitches, it's Saint Patrick's Day! Even though everything that happens on Saint Patrick's Day, the drinking, the booze, the lipstick lesbians, would have been frowned upon by Saint Patrick. But who cares, he's dead, right? Green beer is calling.

NCAA Tournament action has begun! March Madness, if you will. So check your brackets (ours are fucked already - ed.) and get your college hoops on. Green beer goes well with this. And cheer for Texas A&M;, who has already beaten Syracuse and shut up the doubters.

SATURDAY: Hang overs. Hang overs across the world.

But you have to get up and drink the remaining green beer because NCAA hoops action continues with A&M; beating the crap out of LSU at 12:10PM tomorrow. Then you can continue to mull over why you possibly chose Winthrop to beat Tennessee in the first round because that was the dumbest thing you could've done.

SUNDAY: Hibernate and nurse your hangover. Revel in the fact that you remember nothing of your weekend and spend your last few free hours in complete misery before returning to the salt mines in a few short hours for another week of hell on Earth.

Heart of Darko Blockage! Delayed Posting!
Topic: Housekeeping

We're going to be running some routine maintenance (i.e. pulling a dead raccoon out of the server with a broom handle - ed.) this morning, so posting will be delayed until we can get him and his fur coat out of our processor. See you back here this afternoon.

Heart of Darko Has Heart Disease
Topic: Housekeeping

Not really, but we've been pretty horrendously sick since Saturday night, so needless to say, you might have to go elsewhere for your daily dose of idiocy. Hopefully we'll be back up and running tomorrow, because if not, we're gonna jump out the goddamn window.

Our Real Job Calls; Be Back Monday
Topic: Housekeeping

Due to an unexpected case of having to work, we won't be able to post today since we'll be away from a computer for the rest of Friday. But have no fail. We'll be back Monday to try and ruin your week with lots of bad news and idiotic commentary that have all the wit and wisdom of flung monkey poop.

So everyone have a safe weekend and remember to watch the Olympic games, because without your viewer ship, they might not survive!

What's that you say? They've been around for thousands of years? Oh. Screw it then. Watch Law & Order.

The Exhaustion Game
Topic: Housekeeping

We're sick and exhausted. Deal with us on this and you'll have a friend for life. Blow us off and spend the rest of your days as a eunuch.

We're Back! The Hangover Begins
Topic: Housekeeping

Well, here we are, back again to our home. Unless you live there, staying over one week in Scottsdale, Arizona is a long time to be in a weird place.

That said, we had a blast. Hope you checked out the coverage on Jalopnik or on SPEED Channel. We didn't make it on the tube this time, but we did lose about 14 pounds running from place to place in an event that encompassed something like five square miles. Good shit.

The Jalopnik coverage is here. This gives us the chance to say thanks to Mike and Davey over there for giving us the chance to give them some content. After all, they have provided us with hours of a way to blow off work. And thanks to Justin Compton at SPEED for the sweet swag and four SPEED chicks that we could leer at through the media center's tinted windows. Whoops. Did we say leer? We meant stare at longingly.

Thanks guys, and it's good to be back!

Ha Ha! We're Back!
Topic: Housekeeping

Well, after a brief hiatus, during which time Tripod declined to even speak with us about our deletion, we learned that it's pretty boring to not be able to make fun of stupid shit. To recap though, we never received an exact reason why we were shut down, other than complaints were made.

We respond with this all purpose line to anyone who would like to bitch to our hosting service about anything that is read here:

DON'T COME BACK IF YOU DON'T LIKE WHAT YOU READ.

It's that simple. Got a problem? Go away. Don't care about genetically engineered green fluorescent pigs? Piss off. We don't need your brand of stupid here anyway. We're all full up.

Good to be back.

Happy 2006!
Topic: Housekeeping

The suck that has been 2005 is finally coming to a close, bringing with it another 365 days of the suck. So be safe in celebrating in your own manner, be it liquored up and earning the nickname "Mr. Grabbyhands" or perhaps beating hobos at the bus station.

But whatever it is, hope you have fun and are safe in doing so. Taxis are your friends, and yes, they work during the holidays, so there's no excuse for you to drive.

And before you ask what we'll be up to, we have a long weekend planned of opening a gallon jug of Carl Rossi chianti and getting bombed while watching Mystery! on PBS. Because we are, in fact, the most exciting fuckers in the city of Dallas.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Bypass Surgery! Heart of Darko Housekeeping
Topic: Housekeeping

We've tried multiple times to type something overly witty and charming here that would make you giggle with delight to the point of passing out. But our servers hate us, so we've got some problems going on. Hopefully they'll be resolved soon, because if not, the only way to get our brand of "reporting" is to slam your face in your television screen over and over, and that can get blood all over the glass, so we don't recommend it.

Happy Festivus and All the Rest!
Topic: Housekeeping

We're outta here for the holidays. Well, at least until Tuesday, December 27, when we step out of the bathtub, turn on the lights and wear something other than a robe all day. The egg will be nogged and our lungs will be blackened with the constant inhalation of the Christmas spirit. Or American Spirits. It depends on how much we spend on booze.

So remember the holiday schedule and you'll be fine. December 23 is Festivus, December 25 Christmas of course. And that's pretty much all that matters. And remember, if your holidays are going badly, they could always use more racism.

Happy Festivus! It's Time to Get the Pole Out of the Crawlspace!
Topic: Housekeeping

With Bill O'reilly and Jon Stewart going head to head in the "War on Christmas" debate, we turn to the legendary Frank Costanza, founder of the greatest holiday of them all: Festivus.

You don't know of Festivus? The hell you say! Let us write of its origins, somewhere in the land of Sears...

Frank: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way.

Kramer: What happened to the doll?

Frank: It was destroyed. But out of that a new holiday was born . . . a Festivus for the rest of us!

So pull the aluminum pole out of the crawlspace and prepare of the Airing of Grievances, because Festivus is only one day away! So Happy Festivus, and for more information on our editorial staff's chosen holiday celebration, the link to an excellent page describing all the traditions resides at the bottom of this page.


A FESTIVUS FOR THE REST OF US

We're Outta Here! Happy Thanksgiving!
Topic: Housekeeping

Well everybody, we're out of here. Gotta go and cram a bottle of Wild Turkey up a chicken's ass and hope no one notices the difference. And that's what we call "brining the bird."

So everybody be safe and don't drink and drive. That's why we have public transportation. Or if you want to drive, go rent some go-karts and then go drink and drive. At least if you flip those, you'll just get kicked out. Trust us, we know.

See you on Monday.

James

Our Servers Are French
Topic: Housekeeping

We apologize for lack of posting today, but our servers must be French, since they stopped working earlier today and still seem to be complaining about doing any work whatsoever. As soon as the German mechanic invades the offices and kicks the Frogs into action, we got nothing. Sorry all.

We Hate Computers, and Other Angered Musings
Topic: Housekeeping

Seriously, computers blow. We're having server issues and have not been able to log in for the better part of the day. Since our server is currently located in Melbourne, Australia, there isn't much we can do from here until our messages are returned in the morning. Therefore, we're going to be backing off and hoping that the pygmies in the machine tire from eating our little space on the net and move on to somebody else.

PYGMIES!

We Hate Computers, and Other Angered Musings
Topic: Housekeeping

Seriously, computers blow. We're having server issues and have not been able to log in for the better part of the day. Since our server is currently located in Melbourne, Australia, there isn't much we can do from here until our messages are returned in the morning. Therefore, we're going to be backing off and hoping that the pygmies in the machine tire from eating our little space on the net and move on to somebody else.

PYGMIES!