A New Day in Heart of Darko History
Topic: Housekeeping

Yes, we have officially broken into a new day and are using Qumana, as you can see below, to assist with our post editing.  Instead of using Tripod's semi-outdated (okay, very outdated - ed.) interface, we get to use a browser that looks like Microsoft Word, which helps those of us who usually just bang on a set of keys until the right things come out, like one of Shakespeare's monkeys.

So now we will be able to do greater ad support, make more money, and hopefully recoup our hosting costs.  That and it's going to make it easier to post remotely and from multiple computers and such.

So bear with us if any problems arrive, and maybe you might see an extra sponsor or two, but that's because Qads is helping with our sponsorship issues.  If you would like to be a sponsor, we not have the capability to get this done, so just let us know.  We're cheap and popular.

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Another Teacher Accused of Having Sex With Teenage Student
Topic: National News

What is the goddamn deal with teachers bumping uglies with their severely underage students? After former bike model and current hottie Debra LaFave basically got off (excuse the awful pun - ed.) after being convicted of having sex a couple of times with one of her students, a whole rash of teacher/student sex stories are banging around out there.

Now, 34-year-old Rachel Holt is in pretty big trouble after one of her 13-year-old student's fathers contacted police because he believed he was having an inappropriate relationship with his son. The word "inappropriate" doesn't even begin to describe it.

Holt allegedly had sex with her student 28 times, while getting him drunk and allowing his 12-year-old friends to watch them go at it like dogs in heat. This was after she took the boy out to dinner and let him drive her car, like they were in a real relationship. Now Holt is under arrest on multiple counts of rape, providing alcohol to minors, and unlawfully dealing with a child.

Jesus Christ teachers, we made it clear to you earlier. If you're lonely and horny, send us a message. We'll come meet you, sex you up, and then leave, thus allowing you to keep your job and not have to degrade yourself by sleeping with a kid who hasn't hit puberty yet. Goddamn...


MSNBC

New York Teacher Jailed for Performing "Wedgie" on Student
Topic: Stupidity

A grade school teacher in Albany has been arrested and charged after he gave a boy a "wedgie" during a summer school session. No details have come out on how or why the teacher performed this act (like, instead of an Indian rope burn or wet willy - ed.), but he's on administrative leave pending an investigation.

All we know is that this is either the best corporal punishment system we have ever heard of or a completely odd and disgusting form of pedophilia.


WNYT

Reason For Tom Cruise's Latest Bout With Crazy Revealed!
Topic: Entertainment

We've watched with a hand over our eyes as The Last Samurai himself dropped into a massive pit of crazy in the past year. Impregnating a 26-year-old and then creating the term "jumping the couch." Going nuts on Matt Lauer about psychiatric drugs. Just being generally insane in general.

And now, during the latest press junket, his brand of crazy has been explained: dad beat him.

"He was a bully and a coward. He was the kind of person where, if something goes wrong, they kick. It was a great lesson in my life - how he'd lull you in, make you feel safe and then, bang!"

So that's how we lost Ethan Hunt to the demons of Scientology and Nutsville, where he has apparently won the honor of mayor. Come back soon Tom Cruise. No one believes your baby/love thing anyway, so just come back and act normal. Americans are fickle, so we'll forgive you.


THIS IS LONDON

Katie Couric Officially Announces Her Legs Are Leaving NBC
Topic: Media

Not that this is of any consequence or news value since we saw Ms. Couric making the announcement three hours ago, but Katie Couric has informed the entire country, nay, the world, that she is leaving Today and NBC in May and will be anchoring the CBS Evening News as well as appearing on 60 Minutes. And now for our thoughts.

Great. Truly, utterly, completely and sarcastically fantastic. Nice to know that experience as a journalist gets you fired/demoted, while being able to be perky and tan and talk to people about dog shirts at 5 AM gets you a $61 million contract to read news.

It the hiring groundbreaking? Of course it is. Couric will be the first female anchor. Will we watch her? Of course not. Her legs will be hidden beneath a desk. Bad move on CBS's part, if you ask us.


MSNBC

Political Pickpocketing Continues! We Help the Democrats Raise $800k Without Spending a Goddamn Dime
Topic: Politics

Over the past week, we received many more emails from the DSCC, or Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee, including from such official people as Harry Reid, Senate Minority Leader, and John Frankenkerry. But today, we received our most uplifting email so far and feel compelled to share it with you because of the sheer idiocy of what is said inside these emails.

Dear JAMES,

I signed on to be the DSCC Chair because I knew that Senate Democrats were the only thing standing between the hard right of the Republican Party and absolute power over our country. These extremists threaten decades of social progress and put the America we know and love in serious jeopardy.

Thanks to you, we're going to stop their extreme agenda in its tracks.

Every time the DSCC asked for your support in the last three months, you answered the call. Every goal we set, you just blew right by it. Ultimately, the DSCC's grassroots army is directly responsible for raising more than $800,000 on line in just the year's first quarter.

That's nearly one million dollars the DSCC will use in our campaign to elect a Democratic Senate and put a stop to the right-wing takeover in Washington.

Your support for the DSCC has never been more important. I don't have to remind you that our well-financed opponents have a significant advantage in campaign money to spend. In the four states where Democratic challengers are leading Republican incumbents, those sitting Republican senators hold a campaign fund raising edge of nearly 3-to-1.

With your help, the DSCC will level that playing field. In the coming weeks, pundits and journalists will examine our fund raising totals and compare them to our opponents so they can declare who has the momentum leading up to Election Day.

Thanks to all your hard work and dedication, I am confident that they will confirm what I have said for months: momentum is on our side.

Democratic challengers are winning the latest polls against Republican incumbents in no fewer than four states. Democrat Bob Casey has a strong lead against Republican Sen. Rick Santorum in Pennsylvania. Claire McCaskill in Missouri leads Republican Sen. Jim Talent. Republican Senators Conrad Burns and Mike DeWine are both trailing Democrats in Montana and Ohio, respectively.

The bottom line is that your generous support puts us in an even stronger position to win in November. I am confident that we will elect a Democratic Senate and put a stop to George Bush's extreme agenda.

But we cannot do it without you. Thank you again.

Sincerely,

Chuck Schumer

In the political game, $800,000 is like A cups on a porn star; everyone started with them and only a few people do something with them. And for the record, we didn't give a dime to any of these folks, especially since none of those that were asking for money even live in our state. Way to Chucky S. You're an idiot.


DSCC

Federal Air Marshals; Protecting You, and Their Blow, in the Sky
Topic: National News

Two federal air marshals pleaded guilty yesterday to smuggling 15 pounds of cocaine from Columbia through American borders by using their law enforcement officer status for a measly $15,000, proving that while LEOs may indeed be brave and selfless, they are definitely not smart, considering that 15 pounds of Columbian marching powder is worth, oh, millions of bucks American.

Shawn Ray Nguyen’s attorney, Kent Schaffer, said his client pleaded guilty because “he felt that the best way to ... demonstrate his repentance about his conduct was to take a guilty plea as early as possible.”

So what happens to government LEOs when they get busted smuggling dope? They get suspended without pay. Yes, our two intrepid officers are sitting at home not collecting a check and waiting to see how little of the 10 years to life with maximum $4 million fine they are going to get. We're guessing that this will be swept under the table, especially with the status of air travel as shitty as it is. That and no one likes to be reminded how even the most valiant of us can be swayed by a few grand.


MSNBC

Tom DeLay Succumbs to Democrats! Won't Run Again!
Topic: Politics

After a year marked with ethics, business and personal scandal, Democrats across the country can cheer as Tom DeLay, former GOP Majority Party Leader in the House, announced he was calling it quits and will not run for re-election. The Texas Hammer is done, forever to be a blip in the history books as one of the great downfalls in the House of Reps.

“Tom DeLay’s decision to leave Congress is just the latest piece of evidence that the Republican Party is a party in disarray, a party out of ideas and out of energy,” said Bill Burton, a spokesman for the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee.

Unfortunately for Mr. Burton, he failed to notice how his own party is struggling to take advantage of the major missteps of the GOP and hasn't won a major election season since Bill Clinton was in office. Ouch. But now it's time for the political posturing and stance taking that we will undoubtedly see for at least the remaining year to come. Should be fun to see how this is spun. We're guessing that the Republicans will say that it was a Democratic take down, while the Dems will try to announce that this is just another corrupt politician. Look for more scandal. Fun!


MSNBC

Katie Couric's Legs to Anchor CBS News?
Topic: Media
Is Katie Couric bringing her ever present legs to the CBS Evening News? Yes, says TV Week, and for a substantial sum. Her new $61 million contract (or something like that, we don't know or care because we're jealous - ed.) would end her 15 year run with the number one morning talk show in the country, meaning that she would be turning her back on her loyal network and moving to The Dan Rather Chair. You can find more at the link below. Excuse us, but we have to find every television possible and delete CBS from the directory, since we'll never be watching that channel again.

DRUDGE REPORT

Sick Potheads Steal Jerry Garcia's Toilet
Topic: Weird Shit

The Topic listing is a little over the top, we know, but over the weekend, a group of apparently deranged stoners stole the late Grateful Dead guitarist's salmon-colored toilet, as well as three other commodes and a bidet, from a driveway where a home was being remodeled. No word yet on whether the "throne" will be used as a "shrine" or will appear in the private bathroom of some cheap bastard looking for bathroom fixtures.

Goldenpalace.com recently paid $2,550 for the toilet from a private buyer and are offering a $250 reward for the return of the john, proving that they could honestly not give a shit, pardon the pun.


MSN MUSIC

P.S. - Don't pardon the pun. We totally meant to do that.

We're Back! And Continental Airlines SUCKS
Topic: Housekeeping

After a semi-enjoyable work trip to West Palm Beach, Fla., we've returned to Texas where we soon realized it was hotter than two rats humping in a wool sock as soon as we stepped outside of the terminal. The following story is in regard to why Continental is the worst airline we have ever traveled on. A time line is included to show why our anger level rose so high.

2:00AM EST: We arrive back in the Hampton Inn in Wellington, Fla., which is an incredibly nice establishment. Brand new, lots of horse paintings, and the world's weirdest statue garden outside of the window that made it appear that the hotel was being attacked by giant ants and headless dogs that have been speared by twelve foot poles. Then the time changes to 3:00AM. Goddamn daylight savings time.

3:30AM EST: After packing and down two beers, we fall sleep.

4:30AM EST: The bastard alarm wakes us up and we groggily get up, down a bottle of water and head downstairs, leaving our toiletries in the bathroom because of our one hour of sleep.

5:30AM EST: After dropping off the rental car, we load on the bus and head to the terminal.

6:30AM EST: The plane loads on time and everything is set to go. Airport security wasn't bad and there was an entire team of hot college chicks on the flight sitting around us who complimented us on our Chuck Taylors. Not a bad start to a trip.

8:32AM CST: We arrive in Houston and bust ass across the airport because our connecting flight on Continental Express leaves at 9:15AM.

Here's where things go shitwire.

8:45AM CST: The airline says there is a mechanical problem and they need thirty minutes to fix it, pushing back our departure time. We say okay and go find some yogurt.

9:15AM CST: The airline says they need thirty more minutes. Perturbed, but fine with that, we sit down.

9:45AM CST: Our flight changes gates. We take off before they decide to leave without us.

10:15AM CST: It didn't really change gates. They screwed up. The bald fatty at the original gate responds to our inquiry about the status of our flight with the following response: "It's ready when it's ready." We get pissed at the rudeness.

10:30AM CST: They announce another 30 minute delay because they don't have a part to fix... the wing. By the way, this is when we were supposed to originally land in Dallas. Bitches.

10:35AM CST: We head to the ticket counter to see if we can switch to a different flight, since two more flights for Dallas have already taken off. These flights were supposed to have departed after ours. The woman behind the ticket counter rudely tells us that if we want to get to Dallas faster, we should rent a car. We spit our some four letter words in a rather obnoxious tone and storm off to vent to our mother.

11:00AM CST: The airline announces that we'll be boarding soon. Rather than keeping four other flights an extra fifteen minutes, they make us wait for 30 more and load them first. Our anger grows.

11:30AM CST: We board the plane next to a nice young woman who's boyfriend has just departed for Iraq. She has the cutest son in the world who we tickle throughout the flight. Her kid loves us. The flight is delayed in departure by twenty minutes because they have a mechanical problem on the new plane.

12:30PM CST: Homeland security tells our pilot that our plane was too high in the air during descent and we have to circle for fifteen minutes while they get new clearance. Bitches.

12:45PM CST: We land, pick up our bags, and realize that our lighter has no fluid. No on-the-way-home smoke for us. It's approximately 100 degrees in the parking garage. We also pay $112 to get our car out of the airport. Bitches.

1:15PM CST: We get home, three hours later than we were supposed to have because Continental Airlines has the rudest, most incompetent employees on the face of the Earth.

This airline sucks. Not only did they not even come close to getting our flight in on time, but they didn't care, were very impatient and rude with us, and then made jokes about it in flight. Fuck Continental Express. It is now our life's work to take away every single one of their customers that we possibly can.

But we're home now and about to go to sleep, with visions of an angry bitch-slapping of every Continental employee dancing through our heads.

CLIFF NOTES VERSION: Continental Airlines royally screwed our flight home. They should change their name to Fuckstick Airlines. We've had one hour of sleep in 48 hours and are going to bed. Good night, and see you tomorrow afternoon.

We're Off to the Land of Old People and Baseball-sized Mosquitos
Topic: Housekeeping

Good morning dear children. We have a confession to make: this is not our only job. No, in fact, we're leaving tomorrow morning at 3:30 a.m. to travel to the land of old people and limited Internet access known as Florida, where we will be working 18 hour days in the hope that we continue to receive a paycheck.

Be back next Monday. Until then, please visit our fine links to the left for all of your information and entertainment needs, and we'll see you next Monday.

Political Pickpocketing Continues! John Edwards Joins the Fray
Topic: Politics

As we reported last week, Hillary Rodham Horse-humping Clinton was attempting to squeeze money out of us for her upcoming reelection campaign, i.e. her "me for pres" push. And now, another former Presidential candidate who tried to get by on good looks and NO experience is at it again, sending us emails begging for money that is desperately needed to stop the demon that is President Bush, even though this "son of a mill worker" is anything but poor and has WAY more money than we could ever spend on strippers. The completely odd thing is that instead of using his own image, he used a picture of balding Senator Ron Wyden.

If we thought that Edwards would make a good leader (or were women - ed.), we would donate the $75,000 that he needs to "stop George W. Bush." Wait a second. $75,000 is all it takes to stop George W. Bush? What're they doing, hiring a drunken hitman?


DSCC.ORG

New Iraqi Intelligence Document Confirms Russian Involvement with Saddam Pre-War? Hello New Cold War
Topic: World News

A new series of intelligence documents out of Iraq shows a bunch of scary shit, including Russian officials informing Saddam Hussein about U.S. troop movement and strength before Operation Iraqi Freedom and linking Osama Bin Laden and the Taliban directly to Saddam Hussein. Oh yeah, and it also offers proof that Saddam and OBL had in fact been conspiring to attack targets inside the United States. We're going to let the documents speak for themselves below.

An Iraqi intelligence service document saying that their Afghan informant, who's only identified by a number, told them that the Afghan consul Ahmed Dahastani claimed the following in front of him:

That OBL and the Taliban are in contact with Iraq and that a group of Taliban and bin Laden group members visited Iraq
That the U.S. has proof the Iraqi government and "bin Laden's group" agreed to cooperate to attack targets inside America.
That in case the Taliban and bin Laden's group turn out to be involved in "these destructive operations," the U.S. may strike Iraq and Afghanistan.
That the Afghan consul heard about the issue of Iraq's relationship with "bin Laden's group" while he was in Iran.

And here are the Russians:

The first document (CMPC-2003-001950) is a handwritten account of a meeting with the Russian ambassador that details his description of the composition, size, location and type of U.S. military forces arrayed in the Gulf and Jordan. The document includes the exact numbers of tanks, armored vehicles, different types of aircraft, missiles, helicopters, aircraft carriers, and other forces, and also includes their exact locations. The ambassador also described the positions of two Special Forces units.

There's a lot of other stuff in there too, like documents about al Qaeda coming to Iraq, the Russians giving more secrets, and a series of meetings between OBL and Saddam over the past ten years. Oops. Hopefully this puts a little more fire under the current Iraqi government to get rid of the insurgents instead of letting their people get bombed.


ABCNEWS

Chinese Cosmetics Firm Finds Disgustingly Effective Way to Test Products on Humans
Topic: World News

Say you had a new type of collagen that you wanted to test on humans, but no one would be willing to allow their lips to be possibly destroyed by your experimental product. What would you do?

Well, if you worked for a Chinese cosmetics firm, you would simply go to your freezer and pull out a set of human lips from an executed prisoner, inject the substance into them, and then see what happens.

GROSS!

An unnamed firm has been using skin cells from dead Chinese prisoners for years without any thoughts to the fact that this is fucking disgusting and ethically bankrupt, but whatever.

“A lot of the research is still carried out in the traditional manner using skin from the executed prisoners and aborted fetus," an agent was quoted as saying. “In China it is considered very normal and I was very shocked that Western countries can make such a big fuss about this," he said.

Dude! You're testing lip glosses on 3/4 of a human baby and you don't see anything wrong with that? Now people, this is the reason we're going to lose any war we start with China. They'd throw children under our tank treads if they thought it would stop us.


WORLD TRIBUNE

The Chef Scandal Continues! Issac Hayes Stabbed in Back by Fellow Scientologist?
Topic: Entertainment

A scandal is brewing about the supposed "quitting" of Issac Hayes from the fantastic show South Park. It has been broken by Page Six and Foxnews.com that Hayes did not quit, and in fact that a fellow Scientologist issued that news release saying that he had.

Hayes has gone on the record as saying that he had a stroke and had been home for three months, but loved South Park and needed the job because of his new wife and baby.

Christina "Kumi" Kimball, the fashion executive who issued the release, hasn't said a damn thing since this has come out, but you can be sure we're all over it, especially after last night's hilarious episode where Hayes' character Chef was ceremoniously killed after being brainwashed by a club of globe-trotting child rapists. Yes, that's right. Globe-trotting child-rapists. South Park rules.


PAGE SIX

NCAA Tourney Action Returns
Topic: Political Cartoons

Sports, technically, but we'll be jaded by the end of it, so here's this from Walt Handelsman of NY Newsday.

Canadian Government Worker Starts Web Site to Earn Donations and Quit Job
Topic: World News

Sometimes Canadians can be really, really stupid. Like, all the time. However, if this works, this is possibly the smartest Canadian ever.

A depressed government official from our Northern neighbor has started a website, saveabureaucrat.com, on which he begs for money (1 million Canadian bucks, to be exact - ed.) so he can quit his job and "do something meaningful." By "do something meaningful," he probably means "move out of Canada," but he could also mean drink away the approximately $860,000US he would receive.

His mission, however, is falling pretty short. So far, only five donations have been made to reach a total of $59.26C. That's like $40US. Hell, we'd take that. Anyone want to make a donation? We have to pay to keep this thing running, and those Google ads at the top don't bring in that much cash.

Come on you cheap bastards! www.saveheartofdarko.com!


REUTERS via YAHOO! NEWS

P.S. - This might be a hoax, since when we type the address in our browser, it sends us to Google. How odd...

You Watch Tonight! South Park Sticks it to Scientologists Again
Topic: Entertainment

Tonight the new season of South Park kicks off with Chef returning and being a little nuts. This stems from Issac Hayes basically walking out on the show for making fun of Scientology, which he is a part of. So watch tonight for absolute hilarity, as the first Scientology show "Tom Cruise Is In the Closet" is absolutely hilarious.

South Park airs tonight on Comedy Central at 9:00PM CST.

Porn Star Not Only Talented at Blowjobs, But Wine-Making Too
Topic: Entertainment

Savanna Samson is talented. Let us tell you that we've watched hours of footage just to determine how talented she really is. Oh shit we didn't mean to say that.

Anyway, Samson, real name... ah who the hell are we kidding, no one cares about their real names, is a porn star, and a damn good one. Winner of two Adult Video News awards, pretty much the porn Oscars, Samson has starred in over two dozen movies with some of the biggest porn actors, including Jenna Jameson and hypermamiferous bombshell Brianna Banks. But now she has turned her love of booze into a new commodity and created a wine that one of the most respected wine critics in the world gave a shocking 90 out of 95.

"There's spiciness -- the Cesanese has the naughty side of me. And yet it's an elegant wine. I love the opera, and I'm a classically trained ballet dancer. And there is some chocolate undertone, which I just love. There's a little bit of sweetness. Like, 10 percent of the time I'm sweet," Samson said.

Glad to hear she still sounds like a big breasted blonde ninny. You go wine girl! May we suggest a title for your own DVD series, i.e. "blah blah Loves Jenna" that could make you a household name? "Blah Blah Crushes Savanna's Grapes."

No? "Crushing Grapes With Savanna?"

Still no? Geez you porn actresses are picky. Can we be the copy boy who is just trying to get the pie chart from under your ass? No? YOU SUCK! We're going back to drinking Boones Farm!


REUTERS via YAHOO! NEWS