Scotland, And Its Many Pubs, Awaits Us!
Topic: Housekeeping

We have never taken a vacation since getting out of college. Not once. A day at Christmas and Thanksgiving perhaps, but not a real honest to goodness vacation. Now that we move into our late 20s at the end of this week, we figured it would be a good time to visit the merry old country of Scotland and take in the cool air, green fields, castles, smoke and ale.

We will see you folks when we get back, and keep the place warm for us. Scotland is free!

Charlie Sheen is Nuts
Topic: Embarrassment

Charlie Sheen's divorce proceedings went public and just got a hell of a lot worse for the actor/coke whore, meaning it's probably not the best time to launch his brand of children's clothing, which is creepy enough as it is.

But now, Denise Richards' attorneys released a bunch of voice mails that Sheen left on her answering machine while she was still preggers with their second kid. And let us tell you, this dude is nuts. Careful... foul language follows:

"Okay, you're a fucking liar, so you what it's like... fuck you. Okay, I hope you rot in fucking hell. You're a piece of shit fucking liar and I hope you fucking rot in hell."

It gets worse from there in that particular message, but we'll let you click over and read it. But this one cracks us up. This next message was left a mere three hours after the previous one above.

"Hey, I'm going home early. I just hate to leave early and then you come and then I hear from Laura in a letter that costs me, you know, five grand that, you know, I didn't let you know I was leaving early. So I'm gonna leave early. Okay? Dick face."

Dude, he just called Denise Richards dick face! This is gonna be the best divorce trial ever.


THE SMOKING GUN

World's Most Perfect Reality Show Currently NOT Being Filmed in Sierra Leone; Monkey Hunters
Topic: World News

Following the death of a taxi driver and brutal beatings of three American businessmen, a squad of highly trained police officials are off hunting a deadly team of 20 escaped chimpanzees. This has the potential to be perhaps the greatest TV show ever filmed.

Just a bunch of pissed off cops hunting down a team of rogue monkeys. You could even stretch it out to twenty shows, with a take down in each episode, working your way up to the boss.

It appears that two males, Bruno and Philip, are leading the monkey revolt after orchestrating a daring mid-day prison break in which 30 of the primates escaped. With ten of their number already behind bars and their two leaders wanted for murder, the monkeys are being more desperate to escape the country, with the hope of a new life awaiting them in the Congo.

Will they make it? Find out next week on Monkey Hunters!


REUTERS

EXCLUSIVE! Mav's Coach Avery Johnson to Get NBA Coach of the Year Award!!!
Topic: Sports

BREAKING! WE GOT IT FIRST!

Well, probably not first. A source close the Dallas Mavericks told us this morning that Mavs coach Avery "The Little General" Johnson will receive the NBA's Coach of the Year Award for the 2005-2006 season. Johnson has led the Mavericks to a team-tying 60-22 record in the season and straight into the playoffs for championship contention.

Way to go Avery! And go Mavs, game two against the Memphis Grizzlies tonight!

Oh Snap! Johnny Drama Got Married!
Topic: Entertainment

For all you Entourage fans out there, and especially you women who are looking for semi-famous piece of ass, Johnny Drama is off the market. Yes, Vincent Chase's brother has gotten married in Las Vegas at the age of 40 (40? seriously? godDAMN - ed.). His wife wore a floor-length white gown, while Johnny (or Kevin Dillon, if you want to call him by his real name) wore, in true Chase brother style, jeans and a leather jacket.

Kevin Connelly, or "E," was the couple's witness, and probably drunk and looking all midgety. We remember when that kid was on Unhappily Ever After.

Entourage is back on HBO in June, giving you more mischief and jealousy of the lives of fictional people that are your age. Congrats Johnny/Kevin!


MSN

Three African Men Keep Bigamist Father From Marrying Again
Topic: Weird Shit

Three angered sons of Zimbabwe were so upset that their father was ditching their mother (but not divorcing her - ed.) to marry another woman that they crashed the wedding with axes and blades, keeping guests at bay. They then grabbed their dad and dragged him away to a car before tearing off into the desert.

The pastor of the church where the ceremony was being held decided that malnourishment wasn't smiled upon by God, so they ate up all the wedding party's grub, leaving the bride to run out of the chapel in tears. This is, by far, the greatest wedding to ever be held on the face of the Earth.


REUTERS

Drugged Up Dude Plays Naked Santa
Topic: Stupidity

A California man who locked himself out of his stepmother's house decided that the best way to get in was to climb up the roof, undress, and then shimmy down the chimney hanging from a goddamn cable cord.

Well, the cord broke, of course, and the man was stuck three quarters of the way down the chimney for five hours until he was pushed out by firefighters and promptly arrested for being under the influence of drugs. Now we can understand why the Middle East hates us.


MSNBC

New York Judge Allows Web Surfing Worker to Keep Job; Surf Away Losers!
Topic: Technology

Do you check your email in constant concern that your boss will look in your history and see you opened that spam message about horny housewives? Or perhaps you run a blog from your work computer that has been going on strong for two years and has your name all over it.

Either way, a judge in New York said that the state government could not fire a 14-year veteran employee for surfing the Internet at work, creating a huge opening for workers to check their email to their hearts' content.

"It should be observed that the Internet has become the modern equivalent of a telephone or a daily newspaper, providing a combination of communication and information that most employees use as frequently in their personal lives as for their work."

So there you have it, Internet hounds. The Net is the same as calling a phone sex line or picking up this week's copy of Adult Video News, neither of which can get you fired as well, right? Jackass.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Nepal To Have Democracy! We Hadn't Even Realized We'd Invaded
Topic: World News

The king of the small mountain kingdom of Nepal has announced that he will return power to the people of the country in a form of democracy only 14 months after seizing power and naming himself ruler. Now the Nepalese get to look forward to their current king winning every "election" for the next 20 years, kind of like how Saddam worked.

Massive protests had swept the country recently after pro-democracy riots brought the economy of sheep herding and guiding people up mountains to a crippling halt. Rioting crowds were fired upon by Defense Ministry troops, and one person died. But no more! No more beating women and shooting old people. Dammit, we were just planning a vacation.

We just can't wait to see how President Bush turns this one into a "Democracy on the March" speech. Because if he can successfully do that, the guy's damn good.


MSNBC

The Damn DSCC Weekly Email; A Plea From John Edwards!
Topic: Politics

Two emails in one week. This must be a major issue! Actually, it's from John Edwards, who is pleading for your help to raise the minimum wage to $7.25 in the next three years.

Good for that. We're all behind that. But what is interesting is what comes after his plea for our petition signature.

We have set a goal of getting over 125,000 co-sponsors of this bill so that we can personally deliver your signatures to Senate Republican leaders. One hundred and twenty-five thousand supporters is a number they cannot ignore. Already, we've got the Republicans on the run on this issue.

Ah, so the Republicans are opposed to this. Considering this is the first we've heard of this initiative, we doubt this statement. After all, these "rich fools" would need happy laborers to run their death plants, or whatever it is they do, right? We think this is some Democratic whining hoping for pity points. Well, actually, if course it is. The email is from John Edwards, who had nothing to do with introducing this bill. And now he's got his name tacked everywhere on the email claiming he was all over it like white on rice.

Get a life John. Just stop, because we'll support your minimum wage bill, but no one really listens to you. You're like a male college cheerleader. Good looking and a complete party animal idiot. Oh shit. You have all the qualifications to be President. Shit.


DSCC

Missouri Congresswoman Mails Constituent Profane Letter; Somewhere An Intern Is Peeing His Pants
Topic: Politics

We have received a plethora of form letters from politicians since starting this site nearly two years ago. Most of them have either been of the "cease & desist" variety, but that is neither here nor there. But when Missouri Rep. Jo Ann Emerson sent a letter to one of her constituents, we doubt she meant to cap it off like she did.

No, it was not with the hand written note at the bottom which said "PS - Please forgive the delay in responding." Instead, it read "I think you're an asshole."

Ha ha! Greatest political letter ever. So who wrote this correspondence? Certainly not Rep. Emerson.

“There is no excuse for this inappropriate letter having been sent, and every apology has been made to the individual who received it. We cannot determine whether the addition to the letter was made by someone within the office or by someone with access to the office, but it is on my letterhead and the responsibility for it lies with me. A valuable lesson has been learned and new procedures will be adopted as a result.”

Holy crap, she took responsibility. Probably because she had to, especially since the only reason the letter was broken to the public was because it was faxed to the Missouri Democratic Party. But we can guarantee you where this angry swearing came from.

A low ranking member of the staff had undoubtedly been taking many perturbed phone calls from the recipient wondering the status of whatever his dumb crap was. So they wrote it as a joke/revenge, and no one noticed and sent it on to Rep. Emerson, who pretty much signs anything you put on her desk.

Are we close? We bet so.


MSNBC

Baylor University vs. Playboy!
Topic: Texas News

The first time we ever set foot on the Baylor University campus in Waco, Texas, we saw a bear chilling in a big cage. The second time was about eight hours later and we were hammered, making out with some sorority girl one of our friends introduced us too.

Playboy, apparently, was watching. As they prepare their magazine for the upcoming "Girls of the Big 12" issue, they of course went to the private school's campus in Waco with the intentions of getting some supposedly "innocent" Baptist girls to drop trough for the mag.

Now, not all the church-going girls in Texas are innocent. In fact, the majority are Black Widow spiders. But the Baylor president apparently has differing opinions about what people should allow their women-folk to do.

"Playboy is clearly antithetical to Baylor's mission and associating with the magazine would be a violation of the code of conduct."

Of course, this wouldn't be the first time a girl has gotten in trouble by her school for appearing in Playboy. We guarantee that you'll see some chicks from Baylor in the photo spread. Or course, we also guarantee you that they'll be somewhere else after all this is through. Baylor sucks. Go to Texas A&M.;


REUTERS via YAHOO! NEWS

Get the Hell out of Los Angeles
Topic: National News

Some chick in L.A. was just diagnosed with Bubonic Plague! Yeah, you know that disease that killed half of Europe, like 25 million people? We recommend packing your shit and getting the hell out.

It's either that or wait for the plague rats to come. Either way, we warned you, so you can't blame us if you die.


MSNBC

Crazed Former French Air Traffic Controller Thinks Comet Will Kill Earth on May 25
Topic: World News

At first, former French Air Traffic Controller Eric Julien starts off a reasonable assessment of a possible space threat against a potentially large portion of the Earth. Shortly into his description of how he decoded the data, however, his toggle is flipped, and out of nowhere comes what can only be described as his paranoid Frenchness.

He concludes the May 25 event is tied in to the Bush administration's policy of preemptive use of nuclear weapons against Iran, and the effect of nuclear weapons on the realms of higher intelligences.

Even though we have yet to nuke Iran (even though we should - ed.), Mr. Julien seems to believe that the radiation is fucking with the President's brain, even though we would argue that it was the decade of drinking and drug usage.

But beware, whatever part of the world you are in, for the comet Schwassman-Wachmann, which could possibly dump a Volkswagen-sized piece of itself in your area. Knowing our country's recent luck, it'll hit New Orleans.


U.S. NEWSWIRE

Japanese Soldier Finally Makes It Home From World War II After 63 Years; That's a Long Tour of Duty
Topic: World News

An 83-year-old Japanese solider has finally returned to his hometown of Iwate after 63 years in Ukraine after being captured, pronounced dead to his government, and then left behind in World War II. Stripped of his citizenship because of the death certificate, Ishinosuke Uwano married and father three children in his home outside of Kiev.

He has forgotten how to speak his native language and speaks only Russian now, meaning that he went from speaking a horrifically ear-piercing language to possibly the ugliest one on the planet. While living on the tundra. Hmm, tropical living to the north pole? This guy's life stinks. Hurry up and give him his citizenship back, Japan!


REUTERS via YAHOO! NEWS

Holy Crap! 101-Pound Dude Eats 6,500 Calories a Day... Just to Maintain!!!
Topic: Weird Shit

22-year-old Matt Chaffee of Idaho Falls, Idaho, has always been a medical improbability since he was a fetus. But now the 26-inch waisted dietary freak has something to celebrate; he finally crossed the 100-pound mark.

As a celebration, his mother took him out to dinner, hoping that she can get some of the 6,500 calories he needs to survive into his body. He gains most of this nourishment through protein shakes and rides his bike to work and college every day.

Oh, and before you think about pushing him around, he can still bench press 130 pounds, so he's not weak. Just skinny as crap. But he's an odd case and seems to be a good kid, so we hope he hits his goal of 120. Hell, that's pretty normal. His 26-inch waist isn't, but 120 pounds is. Good luck Matt.


MSNBC

Say It Ain't So! Scotty Mac Resigns as White House Press Secretary
Topic: Politics

Possibly tired of his constant task of having to BS the press into believing totally wild reports about the goings on in the world, White House Press Secretary Scotty Mac, Mr. Scott McClellan, resigned from his job this morning, leaving a void in Bush's cabinet and in our heart that will never be filled quite the same.

"I have given it my all sir and I have given you my all sir, and I will continue to do so as we transition to a new press secretary," Scotty Mac said.

Doesn't that somehow reek of defeat and disappointment? Wonder if Bush will say anything as such.

"I thought he handled his assignment with class, integrity," the president said. "It's going to be hard to replace Scott, but nevertheless he made the decision and I accepted it. One of these days, he and I are going to be rocking in chairs in Texas and talking about the good old days."

The good old days? Now I understand why Scotty decided to leave; his boss is delusional. We wish you luck, Mr. McClellan, and we promise our ribbings of you have ended.

After this final one, fatty.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Rolling Blackouts Turn Texas Into California! Enron? Is That You?
Topic: Texas News

The first indication of trouble a-brewing at Enron was the rolling blackouts in California, instituted by a company so desperate for money that they shut down the power grids to drive up prices so they could pay off debt. Is this what is happening in Texas?

Beginning this past Saturday night, rolling blackouts have struck Texas, including Dallas for a period of four hours, which pretty much forced us to sit in the dark and drink beer. Not that's what we weren't going to be doing anyway, but this way we didn't even have a choice of doing something else.

Yesterday the blackouts were instituted again, and today they're back, shutting down grids from Houston to Dallas. But this is, at least according to the power companies, not a lame attempt to drive up energy costs. They claim the reason is due to the sudden surprise heat wave and the plants not being up to capacity after being down for maintenance all winter.

Sounds reasonable... wait a second. That's just what Enron said! We knew it! We would see nothing more enjoyable than TXU going down hard. They're scam artists. Do you hear that state government? TXU is trying to drive up energy costs. Sic 'em!


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

The Damn Weekly DSCC Email; Barack Obama Hates Government, Not President
Topic: Politics

We are a bit, perplexed, to say the least, when it comes to this week's Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee email. For the past two weeks, we've been getting hammered by no names. Now, they seem to be pulling out the big guns. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the people that people actually like.

Like this week's guest emailer, Illinois Senator Barack Obama. Now the past five emails have consisted of the following sharply written prose; "Bush sucks, Rick Santorum is a douche, give us money so the GOP loses." But Obama, ever the politician, shies away from this Barbara Boxer-esque diatribe and goes off on his own tangent. Choice tidbits and commentary follow.

I've had enough of the attitude that we'd be better off if we just divvy it up into individual tax breaks and let everyone fend for themselves. I think we've all had enough of being told to buy your own health care, your own retirement security, your own child care, your own schools, your own private security force, your own roads, and your own levees. - Nice Katrina reference. Granted, Sen. Obama doesn't have to buy any of this, but he's got a damn good point. We don't even have health insurance.

It's the timidity - the smallness - of our politics that's holding America back and making our people uncertain. The idea that some problems are just too big to handle, and if you just ignore them, they'll go away. - This is actually incorrect. The GOP went after the big issues like terrorism, health care, social security and Medicare. They just fucked it up.

We, as Democrats, have a responsibility to change our politics. Now is the time for us to stand up and make our mark on history. It's time for America to learn how to dream again and to do great things in the face of serious challenges. - Of course, as Republicans, the GOP have a responsibility to change our politics too. So do the Libertarians. And the Green Party. Just saying.

So at least this email was a message of hope instead of the "everybody blows but us" hypocritical horse shit of the previous emails. Thanks Senator Obama, for bringing back dignity to politics, even if you are straddling a sharp political fence. We hope you don't slip and hurt yourself.


DSCC

Robotic Boning in 2016? You Better Believe it, Computer Nerds
Topic: Technology

Women are truly wonderful creatures, with the ability to show affection in a wide range before going off on a tangent of why there is a crumb on her favorite section of the carpet. So what if you could have that affection, love and sexual energy without the crazy? How much would you pay for that.

We'd guess a lot. And sex researchers from the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction at Indiana University have predicted that sex robots with all the features of a lifelike humanoid will be on the market by 2016, meaning that finally, you can have a date for the prom.

"There is a possibility of developing erotic materials for yourself that would allow you to create a partner of certain dimensions and qualities, the partner saying certain things in that interaction, certain things happening in that interaction."

So this isn't your everyday hand-held battery operated vagina. No sir, this is a full functioning machine who's sole duty is to lie on a bed and be a receptacle for you.

Seriously, these people are screwed up. Why would anyone want to shag a robot? What's wrong with mom and pop, meat and potatoes masturbation? Jesus people. Just because you can make something doesn't mean you should.


REUTERS