I Met A Guy
A funny thing happened to me when I was on vacation in Canada. I was hiking through the woods and moutains and I met this guy who said, "Money is the root of all evil."

I told him I disagreed. For instance--and I've just heard this--sometimes rum can be the root of evil.

He said, "I'll prove it to you."

How is he fixing to prove it? He gave me six crates that had a total of $28 million and change in gold ingots and said, "Now we'll see what happens, you hoser."

That's exactly how it went down.

So now I'm looking for a house in California. You'd be surprised what you have to settle for less than eight digits. Poolhouses w/o bedrooms or central a/c. Helipads with rust. There's always some hassle like that. Let me know if you know of anything, shipmates.

By the way, if you've dreamed of having a Rolls Royce all your life, let me tell you something: the way those things go through gas you better make sure your house has got a Texaco station too.

P.S. Please, whatever you do, don't buy this book or tell anyone about it. I'm trying to distance myself from my pirate associations in my past. I think I'd like to find work as a philanthropist. Let me know if you see any help wanted ads for that. I'm real interested in women's causes.