Why I hate squirrels
I suppose some of you are wondering why I dislike critters so much. I know, I don't talk about them a whole lot here but I have a deep-rooted dislike of all critters, and most especially those mangy squirrels!
Let me tell you a story.
When I was a pup, no humans wanted me so I roamed the city streets with my puppy friend named Codfish. We did pretty well for ourselves back then. Quite a team we made. We had this little game we played called "Sniff n' Snatch" that worked like a charm whenever we were hungry for dinner.
We would wait at a grocery store for a nice woman to come out loaded with bags. Then one of us would run out and give her the Cute Puppy Treatment (tail wagging, feet licking, etc.) to catch her off guard. While she was distracted the other one would lift some goodies from her bag and run like hell. This game, by the way, gave me my first taste of the best bounty ever--cheesy puffs.
But sometimes the bounty wasn't so good. One day Codfish was giving CPT to this woman while I rifled her bag, coming upon these tasty green crunchy things. When she saw me, the lady shouted "Ay!! Mees hallapeeeeenyos!"
But I had already scoffed three or four and was running for the crack in the fence behind SuperMart, when suddenenly a strange burning sensation overtook my mouth. I started coughing and retching, so I ran into the woods to find some grass or plants to eat--anything to cover up that horrible hallapeenyo sensation! Ugh, what is WRONG with you humans??
Anyway, while I was out there, I spied a very suspicious looking posse of squirrels beneath a bush. They were all huddled over a large pile of human socks. I don't know what they were doing with all those socks, but I was real curious about it.
I tried to get a little closer to investigate, but suddenly out of nowhere one of the little buggers jumped in front of me wielding a sock filled with acorns, and he was whipping it in a cirlce around his head really fast! I didn't know what to make of this, so I barked at him. But my mouth still hurt from the hallypeenyos and that sock was about to go flying into my face. By this time the other squirrels took notice and started to chuck rocks and nuts at me. I knew I was out numbered, so I turned tail and ran the heck out of there.
But when I got back to the SuperMart parking lot, to my dismay I saw my good buddy Codfish in the backseat of the hallapeenyo lady's car just as they were speeding away.
So in less than ten minutes I lost my Sniff 'n Snatch partner, had the worst dinner of my life, and incurred the wrath of an evil squirrel posse. That night I slept by myself under the bush where me and Cod usually slept. It was kinda lonely.
What is this 'Halloween' thing anyway?!?
*woof woof!* I apologize for leaving you high and dry here. Living with MILF is turning out to have problems of its own. For one she has me so busy with obedience classes that I hardly have time to write in my blog here. *ear scratch* And secondly she insists on wasting my time with this doggone Halloween tomfoolery.
LOOK AT WHAT SHE MADE ME WEAR! I AM A PIRATE DOG AND A SECRET AGENT AND THIS IS HUMILIATING!
Let the Adventures Begin Topic: Moving in with MILF
I don't want to sound unappreciative of Nelson's efforts to rehabilitate me, but I am leaving the ship to go live with MILF (My Internet Lady Friend) for a while. Nelson is a great guy and outstanding pirate, but a couple weeks ago he took off for Canada and left me alone on the ship with only 30 bags of cheesy puffs to sustain me.
Like I said, Nelson is a swell guy but MILF has an unlimited supply of cheesy puffs and also I really like when she scratches my belly *woof woof*.
So, MILF is picking me up at the pier today and taking me to live with her. We've got a lot of fun planned, and also she's going to help me write the stories of my past (and present) adventures.
See, I haven't always been super honest with you folks...it's time I laid it on the level. I'm not just a regular old doggie. I am actually a doggie secret agent, specially trained in the arts of Dog Fu, Poo Jitsu, and Tai Chihuahua. I can't tell you about my mission just yet...have to clear it with the Alpha Director of Public Affairs at my agency first. They're already a little irked about me revealing a few doggie secrets here, so I gotta be careful.
But I will tell you this: there is a reason why some of us dogs don't get along with cats, squirrels, bunnies and other wily critters. If you keep reading my blog you will soon find out what that reason is.
Do Not Adjust Your Monitor
Boy they sure do have a lotta weird stuff on the internet. This here is Sam, the world's ugliest dog. No, I'm not just bein' mean! He won a contest!
This winsome pooch is, a dog after my own heart though:
"...he enjoys regular gourmet meals of sirloin steak, cheese balls, roasted chicken and flan..."
My New Favorite Game! Mood: happy
*WOOF!* Wow it's been a long time since I blogged here. Sorry but I've been real busy lately. Nelson says I gotta go to Obedience School so I don't end up in jail again, and WHEW it sure is a lotta work let me tell ya!
The good news is that Nelson devised a really F-U-N game called "Find the Cheesy Puff" which we play on Tuesday nights, right after Reno 911. Nelson hides a yummy puff (or comparable substitute if we're out) somewhere down in the cabin while I wait upstairs. Then I use my special doggie powers to sniff it out and CHA CHING! I get the booty!! Here's one of those video thingies of tonight's game:
Another Dog Secret Revealed Topic: dog secrets
A lot of you have been asking how I can write a blog in English if I speak in Bark. It's really simple. I have a human lady friend who works for the internet, and she hacked into one of those Bow-Lingual translators for me. Then she hooked it up to my laptop and set it to write to my blog. The Bow-Lingual device is pretty limited, so she had to add a whole lotta words for me.
mmmmmmm....grass
A lot of people wonder why we dogs like to eat grass. Some say it's just part of our diet, and others say we like how it tastes.
I'll let you in on a little secret. Grass contains a special nutrient that gives us our super doggie powers. We call it Triple X and it can only be found in certain types of grass. The side effects can sometimes cause us to do strange things like chase vacuum cleaners or hump the legs of innocent party guests, but the super powers are worth it. Ever wonder how we know the humans are returning home even though they're still a half mile away? Or how we are able to dig such large, fantastic holes on the yard? Or why we sometimes run insanely around the room in circles for no apparent reason? Triple X, my friends.
Luckily, the Isle of St. Clare is full of the good stuff. Here is a home video that Nelson took of me fueling up my mojo.
p.s. that harness and leash thing is just my disguise 'cuz I'm still hidin' from the law
Smooches for a buck Mood: amorous
*woof* That pirate Nelson is a real tough cookie. He says I gotta earn my Purina, so I'm doing the only decent thing a doggie can do: sell kisses on the internet for a dollar.
If you want a kiss, just click on this button, then click again where it says "feed an animal in need" (that's me). Then you will be virtually **SMOOCHED**.
Cousin Bandit
WOOF, what a great weekend I had! Nelson and I dropped anchor at a big island called "Hawaii" where I ran into my long-lost cousin Bandit. Despite his name, he is not a pirate doggie like myself. In fact, he works for the Royal Order of Helmeted Collies, a very elite group of dogs charged with protecting the magical Menehunes that live on the island. Every morning Bandit and his ROHC teammates have to drink a special juice in order to see the Menehunes, and he says it tastes like peanut butter. That sounds pretty yummy to me.
I tried to get him to drink a glass of my own special juice (aka rum) with me but he said he was "on duty" and had to stay alert. So instead we spent the day eating cheesy puffs, chasing bunnies and reliving the litter years. Good times, mates.
Here is Bandit wearing his ROHC uniform and scanning the skies for seagulls carrying Menehunes:
Members of the ROHC get a flower on their helmet for each act of bravery. As you can see, my cousin Bandit is no whimp.
happy
amorous
If you want a kiss, just click on this button, then click again where it says "feed an animal in need" (that's me). Then you will be virtually **SMOOCHED**.
