HOW TO FIGHT LIKE A PIRATE MONKEY by Captain Petunia
Thanks to Capt. Petunia for this informative piece for pirate monkeys and aspiring pirate monkeys among our readers...


If you're going to be a pirate monkey, you'll need to know how to fight like one. Pirate monkeys usually try to avoid physical confrontation, instead choosing to intimidate their opponents with devastatingly witty insults or with booger jokes, depending on the intellectual level of the individual pirate monkey. In case you do find yourself in a street brawl, here are some handy tips:

1. Never fight fair.
2. If your opponent thinks they've won and turns around to leave, get up and kick them in the butt. Then run away.
3. Keep some extra weapons concealed on your body - for example, a dagger in your boot or a flamethrower in your hat.
4. Have some accomplices standing by in case the fight isn't going your way.

Here is what to do if you get into various sticky situations.

P.S. Click here for a novel about (non-monkey) pirates.