Suburban Vigilante
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: The Clash
When I was in 7th grade someone began vandalizing the mailboxes in our neighborhood. All the neighbors were completely freaked out figuring it was the ‘damn troublemakers’(this was the 70s folks).

One night, my Pop had enough. The neighbor’s mailbox has been defaced and Pop was just certain ours was next. He had gotten himself all shades of worked up. So what does he do? He parks our full-size Ford Econoline van on the driveway in front of the house, sets up a foldable lawn chair and sets out to wait for the “little bastards” to come. Did I mention he was grasping a softball bat during his vigil?

Around Midnight, two teenage boys walk by our house talking. As they wander by, one of them half-ass kicks our mailbox in passing and Bam! Game on! Pop flies around the end of the van going towards the kids at a full run, softball bat gripped in both hands and raised high over his head as he screams some primal scream only suburban airline pilots can produce. Scares the holy crap out of these kids who both proceed to scream like little girls.

The taller kid takes off at a dead run into the night, leaving his freakish buddy to face the wrath of the mighty Oz. Pop had this kid by the front of the shirt and was holding him up on his toes as pop threatened him with the bat—screaming at him the whole time. At the top of his lungs. At Midnight. In the suburbs. “You sonofabitch! You thought I wouldn’t catch you?! Why did you kick my mailbox!?”

Yeah. Pretty soon, my mom wasn’t the only one running out in her jammies to scream at Pop. Needless to say, mom talked him out of calling the cops, reminding Pop that the kid could claim assault based upon Pop's convincing Ape Man of the Serengeti portrayal.

Flash forward several years. Many severals of years. As in this year. Someone is vandalizing the stop signs in my parents’ neighborhood and pops is all shades of pissed off about it.

“It costs $2,000 to replace every sign they deface. $2,000! Morons! It costs us all more as taxpayers! Do they realize that?! Do they have any idea?!” (Note: Pop, people who deface stop signs are no doubt so not worrying about their increasing share of taxpayer burden).

He goes on to say that he’s going to plan a sting and catch the “little weasels in the act".

So I say “What pop? You going to park the Tahoe out front, set up a folding chair, wait, and then after you catch them in the act, run after them screaming with your softball bat?”

Dead silence. Then he starts chuckling “I had forgotten all about that…”

Yeah sure you did Captain vigilante!