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by Chelsea Mack I remember the first time I lost my virginity more clearly than most of my sexual escapades since. That was more than ten years ago, but the notches in my bedpost only go to seven. Why? Because I revirginized! After remaining monogamous with my first boyfriend for five years, I had a bout of promiscuity. The flings were usually fun and sometimes forbidden, but in the end pretty shallow and meaningless, never amounting to more than regret or, worse yet, getting hung up on some loser. The last time I had intercourse was May 18, 1996 — another one-night stand. Afterwards my head was cluttered with worry about STDs. Then I wondered if I would ever hear from the guy again. And then I wondered if I ever wanted to hear from the guy again. After a few months of not getting any, I re-evaluated my flings and their aftermaths. I decided I didn't have time to deal with that crazy-girl crap. I made a commitment to myself not to sleep with anyone with whom I didn't have a meaningful relationship. Setting that standard made it pretty easy for me to fool around without feeling an obligation to let a guy penetrate me. I felt a sense of pride when I turned down sex. Listening to one of my girlfriends cry over some jerk who she slept with but didn't really care about, I experienced a moment of clarity. I couldn't understand why she would waste such an intimate interaction on just anybody. As far as I was concerned, she set herself up for this emotional turmoil. I realized that by keeping my legs closed for a year, I regarded my sexuality very highly. I was saving it for someone special. It was then that I declared myself revirginized. Last summer along came a boy who knocked my socks off. He called every day, and we each made time in our busy schedules to see each other every other day. It was two weeks of total bliss: holding hands and making out all the time; hanging out in my bedroom and listening to records; spending the night together and fooling around, but not going all the way. There was no pressure, and he didn't think I was a freak for being scared to do it. In fact, he agreed that it was probably best to hold out as long as possible so that things didn't get weird. When he said that, I felt even more comfortable and thought for sure that he was "the one." I was contemplating giving it up. At probably the precise moment that I was thinking it'd be okay to sleep with this prince, he turned into a toad. He still called, but not as often, and suddenly he was too busy to hang out more than once a week. After a month of these games, we had a talk. He was scared of commitment, blah blah blah. I told him I didn't want to get wrapped up any further in something that was headed for a dead-end, gave him his records back, and showed him the door. Man, was I glad I didn't do it with him! Yeah, my heart was broken, but if I had slept with him, the emotional attachment would have been even greater, and the hurt deeper. It really paid to hold out a little longer than I thought necessary. I was able to focus clearly on reality, not having my judgment clouded by irrational emotions. Dr. Drew of the cable and radio show "Loveline" often says that for women sex is a very emotional, meaningful interaction, while it's easier for guys to detach themselves from the experience. Dr. Christiane Northrup, author of the awesome book Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom (Bantam), agrees: "Tragically, too many men have learned to separate sexual functioning from other aspects of the relationship," she writes. "Both men and women should make love and have sexual contact with each other when it feels right to them and not because of the need to please, to be liked, or to have power over someone. The original meaning of the word virgin had nothing to do with sexuality. It referred instead to a woman who was whole and complete unto herself, belonging to no man. Many people would do well to reestablish their virginity." Continue with How I Did It What do you think? Is it possible to revirginize? If so, do the pros outweigh the cons? Would you try it? Join in the fray, in the Revirginize topic of the Society/Culture Conference. © 1998 Tripod, Inc. All Rights Reserved. |
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