Or get it from an independent bookstore in your waters via Booksense.com
The Whaling News
reported by Gus Openshaw
Wednesday, 29 March 2006
Gus Openshaw's Whale-Killing Podcast
Because everyone in the Seven Seas is listening to podcasts, my publisher put a recording of the first entry of my Whale-Killing Journal on iTunes (for those of you who can't figure out iTunes (I myself can barely send e-mail), it's below too). It's read by an actor named Jefferson Tholen who is real talented and, as important, doesn't read slow like I do.
P.S. If you've got one of those RSS reader gadgets, here's the address of my podcast in .mp3 format:
Thar Blows The "Gus Openshaw's Whale-Killing Journal" Book!
Shipmates, are you hankering for a good guy-tries-to-get-revenge-against-a-whale story? Good news: The book version of the "Gus Openshaw's Whale-Killing Journal" blog is now officially published, and available both online and at a bookstore in your waters.
Keep checking here for reviews, book tour details, and more information than you could ever want and still be considered healthy.
News from the crew and captor of the whaleboat Georgette:
Flarq the harpooner/scrimshawist is in his second year of art graduate school at Berkeley. Last semester he was failing Art History--no surprise as he’s illiterate. In place of a thesis paper, he drew a scrimshaw of himself hurling a harpoon at the professor. He got an A.
I think Moses the no-longer-drug-addicted deckhand meant to mail me an update, but sent the wrong envelope. It contained no note, and, instead, a half-pound of “Guavan Gold.” Seems Moses has fallen off whatever is the maritime equivalent of the wagon.
Our favorite con man, Nelson the pirate, says “a big cheery hi to everyone!” He’d love to hear from you too. He’s opening a Museum of Keys, he claims, and hopes you’ll send in copies of your house keys so that he can include them in his Shipmates’ Keys exhibit.
Stupid George has been hired an advertising agency to work on a high-profile aspirin account. You know those folks you see on the commercials who have headaches before they take the aspirin? Well, they’ve been in the green room talking to George for the previous hour. George says to “Wish every1 a mary christmiss!”
Admiral Vurman, still at large, sends his best regards to all of you, and a keelhauling (death by dragging you beneath a ship's barnacle-crusted hull (you drown if you're lucky)) threat to me.
Duq the ship’s cook is back in Asia for his VIAA (Vietcong Interrogators Alumni Association) 40th reunion as well as Triple Squeak season. A Flarq scrimshaw to the first of you to correctly tell me what in the heck that is.
The pious harpooner Thesaurus has started a ministry and seeks contributions. He seays to send them c/o Nelson. (Note: This update is from Nelson.)
Bob the rat either is living with our digital shipmate Snuggs, or now we know why the neighbor’s cat is smiling.
As for me, my book comes out next Thursday. Also I just realized that Vurman's been sitting behind me as I've been typing this up, and he's aiming a spear gun at me. So I got to go.
"GUS" appears 17 times in that other whaling book, Moby-Dick, almost as many as "DICK" (23)! Search the text and see what you can come up with. One guys shows how the text of Moby-Dick predicts assasinations.
The Blooker Prize, for blogs that get published as books ("blooks") announced its 2006 Short List today. Guess which whale-killing journal is among the five blooks left standing in the fiction category? If you're stumped, or if you want to see the other Short Listees, click here.
In Other Whale News, Beluga Whales in Alaska are Mysteriously Disappearing. Shipmates, if one of you can solve this mystery, you'll win a beer:
You know the old problem: You're filming a whale-cooking scene in a movie, and you want to do multiple takes, but it's a pain to have to kill more and more whales so you have fresh blubber? Here's a recipe courtesy of a Hollywood special effects-type guy for cheap, quick 'n easy fake blubber (or, as insiders call it, "Stunt Blubber"):
Ingredients:
1/2 cup water
1/2 cup white glue
1/2 cup water
2 tablespoons Borax
Directions:
Combine the water and glue. In a separate bowl mix the water and Borax. Then merge the two stirring constantly until you got yourself blubber. Then take it on set and break yourself a leg.
Here's a review of The Whale-Killing Journal that will appear next month on Bilgemunky.com, which I think is the best pirate site in the Seven Seas--and thought so before they gave my book a decent review. There is one factual error (can you spot it, shipmates?), but I think I'll keep it to myself lest the bilgemates go to fix it and, given my luck, get electrocuted.
"If you read only one happy-go-lucky account of whale slaughter this year...
Gus Openshaw is just your average joe, seeking to make a life with his wife and new son. When his plans are thwarted by an angry whale (who swallows his family whole, along with Gus's right arm), Gus must find a way to make that all-too-common transition from humble catfood cannery worker into whale hunting avenger. This is easier said than done, especially considering that in these kinder, gentler days whale killing is generally frowned upon. One is certain to become entangled in all sorts of legal fiascos. But that's only the beginning - mutinous crews, renegade princesses, foreign navies, discount arms dealers, and (of course) pirates all serve to make Gus's adventures a sight more interesting than he'd like.
